Already I have dropped the ball on my plans for this blog. But all I can do is start over, so that's what I'm doing!
I awoke yesterday feeling pretty good, so what do I do? I decide to go do some Christmas shopping and grocery shopping! Let me just say...bad, bad idea! When I finally got out of the store, without some of the main things I went for, and the temperature had dropped considerably, I knew I was in trouble. By the time I got home, I was sick, but I knew I still needed to feed all my outside animals, coz I can't make them wait till tomorrow and Jimmy has been getting home so late since working in South Austin, around 7:30! By that time it's dark and I can't let him go down there and feed them in the dark, so I've really been trying to feed them every day. The one big thing I do each day, but it gets me up and I'm helping Jimmy, bless his heart!
So I go get in the bed and turn my blanket on so I can try and thaw out! My feet are stinging and hurting and I cannot get them warm enough. I actually fell asleep a bit, and when I get up I feel worse and my feet hurt from the cold. But I have to go and feed the animals, so I put on layers of clothes and my old red coat and head out! By the time I get through I am frozen, now my fingers are so cold. I hold them under the faucet of warm water for so long. I hold them by the electric heater, but I can't get warm enough. So I take my babies, and we all go pile up in the bed, but I can't sleep I feel so bad. Then I get nervous.
I cry. Just cry. Cry for everything. I seem so selfish in crying and I cry out to my Lord to hold me close, coz I feel so lost! I fall asleep for about 15 minutes but when I awake, the feet are back hurting. Not like the neuropathy, like I cannot get them warm enough. I get up, but the babies don't, they are still sleeping! At least somebody can. I go to the bathroom and then I hear Jimmy and I start to cry all over again. He's so sweet. I thank the Lord for giving him to me! He doesn't make me feel bad coz I'm crying and nervous. He just seems to make me feel better all in a minute!
But here it is Saturday and I still feel bad, but better! but I feel so insignificant! I seem to be of no use to anyone, even to myself! I know deep down that this is satan's lies, but I gotta tell you, when you are in the midst of it, you can't remember all of that! Or I can't anyway! I've been leaving my tv on at night on the Inspiration channel. I awoke when one of the preachers were preaching and he said, don't expect something from God, if you don't ask it with the belief that He is going to do it for you! I knew that, but I needed to hear it, ya know? So, today, even tho I still feel a little nervous, when I pray for help, I will also add, help thou my unbelief, as I used to do in the beginning! So this is going to be my goal. I told Jimmy last night, that I feel so lost. And I do, but I realize this morning that I must continiously think on...
Believe, and pray...help thou my unbelief and also pray continously! All day long I will be doing this...every day, just as I used to. If I feel so lost, it's only coz I'm allowing satan to rule my life. Oh sweet Jesus, help me, may I abide in you so that you may abide in me!