Today I hope to write my true and honest feelings, no matter what anyone else thinks! I pray I'll try to write at least jut a little every day! When I first started these blogs I was on a lot of prednisone and I had first found out my diagnosis...dermatomyositis, anyway, it gave me a lot of peace! Hoping to find that peace again!
I miss so many things about myself that seem lost in this abyss of sickness and pain. And if I'm really honest, fear!!! I don't pray like I used to! I used to couldn't wait to get to write in my prayer journal. Now, it's too cold, or I'm hurting too much and the list could go on and on. I can't seem to keep my mind on what I'd like to write! I can't sit down and read anymore coz of the same reasons! I look in the mirror and I'm shocked, who is this person that seems to have aged so much and is so fat and ugly! Whose body is this, that seems so broken and used and damaged? My mind is beginning to feel as old, I'm afraid! And speaking of afraid ~ fear is constantly near me! I don't know why or how, but I don't like it! What has happened to my faith? I feel as though God is punishing me in some way! I hate that fear more than anything. I have dealt with it for many years but I thought it was all gone since I became a Christian in 2003, but since I've gotten sick, I don't feel strong enough to fight it anymore! I don't know how to fight it!
For more than 2 years I have been facing that fear every waking moment! I must get back to God! I must turn to Him, as I know He has kept me close during those times, even if all I say is, 'please Lord'. but I need the closeness back. How am I going to know Him if I don't try to know Him now! I long to know Him again! I pray that I can possibly get off these pain meds, for I know in some ways, they are hurting me too!
I pray that through this journey of writing that I will be able to find me again! The strong, faithful woman I used to be! I miss her! And I know the Lord misses her too...her/me...it's all the same! Lord, my God, please keep me in the safety of your sheltering wings! I love you. Help me please!