Compared to Tuesday, I am so much better. I still feel 'sickly' most of the day (and night), but I do seem to be getting at least a little more tolerable of it. I still don't sleep good though. Last night I did sleep a little better, but tonight, here it is at 1:30am and I am finally going to retire to bed. I've been sewing, so at least I had something to do.

I've been bathing myself in prayer, even more so since Tuesday's events and I have to say that I feel so close to my Lord. I may have overreacted just a little bit, but on that day, it was very real. Sleep deprivation is bad on my emotional state and always has been. I guess it would be for anybody. Thankfully, I did get a cat nap today for a bit, with no incidences.

I've been going around cleaning up and organizing the house. It's amazing to me how bad I seem to have let it get! I have felt bad physically for so long that I just did the basics. And not only that, now most days I'm very creative and artsy! I haven't done any creative things in such a long time. It feels good again! As far as the house, I'm not through yet, but I'm actually enjoying it! I've redone our bedroom, and made by myself an organized closet. Cut the wood and everything and made shelves. I've rearranged furniture, and brought in different things from storage. I've gone through closets, and boxes, and you name it. I'm clearing out the clutter. The only good thing about this medication...energy!!! It won't let me slow down it seems. I'm constantly finding something to do. Compared to the lazy lady I used to be, I don't know!

But it has all made me think about some things. I am a pack rat. I'll swear I'll need to keep something, coz as soon as I get rid of it, I know I'll need it. Happens every time. Since Tuesday was such an awful day and I've been praying so much, God has really been touching my heart on some things that I've been keeping inside! Things that I don't really need to talk about here, but things that I definitely need to be talking to Him about. Things that I just 'let go', coz maybe I won't like the reason or the answer behind it. Or sometimes I think I'll get mad at God, and I sure don't want to do that. And worse, I think I've been afraid that He'll get mad at me if I share certain things. And becoz, it is just too painful! So I keep it all bottled up coz I don't know really what to do with it and then one day, like on Tuesday, something happens and it seems to all explode!

So I've pack ratted these thoughts and feelings (and even facts) around for many years, thinking and believing really that that's what I was supposed to do. But in reality, He so wants me to share with Him. He so wants me to give Him my burdens. These are not things that I need or will ever need, nor do I or will I ever desire to have them. There are things planted in the corners of my mind that will show themselves in the most dangerous times. Things that I may have even forgotten. And then they'll come up and I'll get to thinking about them intensely and lose all focus of what my true purpose is here.

But the whole time that I've been going around clearing out the clutter in the house, I felt God telling me to clear out the clutter in my heart. And as I said, it's just too painful to think about that stuff, so I ignored Him once again. But I have to say, He got my attention on Tuesday. So yesterday, (Wednesday), I prayed all day as I was working and I just sure felt His presence. Scripture would come to me and it would be one that would answer one of the questions or thoughts or feelings that I had hidden in my heart. I didn't need to say to myself, 'now, how does God know that I was thinking that'. It's a special feeling having God so close to your heart like that.

Jimmy and I got up and had coffee yesterday morning too, a rare thing for during the week, but becoz of the weather, he didn't go in until late! I shared with him some of my feelings and he really helped me. And then at Church, Brother Wiggins preached on exactly, and I mean exactly what we were talking about. God gave me assurance of the questions I have through his preaching. Jimmy and I just looked at each other and felt really special.

We've started a prayer and devotional time every night. I know we should have already been doing it. We would for a day or two and then something would come up and then we'd forget. But we're committing ourselves to several things in our spiritual lives now and we're going to see them through. We've only just started and already, we are even closer, not just to one another but also God...together and individually!

I want to start going on Thursday visitations but I just have not felt up to it. I know I'm working here, but I sit down a lot too coz of the nausea and shakiness! I know God understands, I hope other people do. I do so want to be a servant!

I have to say before I close that what I wrote Tuesday is exactly what I felt at the time. It wasn't exaggerated at all. But looking back on it, I do wish I would have handled it better. But I know God is going to strengthen me for the next go round. And as long as I keep asking and allowing Him pick me up, I won't have failed! It really hurts my heart to feel as though I have failed God. But failure would be to hang on to that thought too. So I won't. I'll go with confidence that I have already won the victory, through Christ Jesus, over these battles I'm facing! I'm not facing them alone! I have the greatest Power in the universe!

Philippians 4:13; 'I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me'.

Please pray for Joshua. I'm afraid for him, but I sincerely believe that God is working on him!