It's been a few days since I've written. I really haven't felt well. Sunday, I did pretty good. I really pushed myself to have a good day. I can't seem to rest and so I piddle with different projects all day long, (all day long and into the night). I have to sit down about every hour because of the nausea I feel. The shakiness and not resting isn't helping me either. I think most of all of my problems at the moment have to do with this medication. What will happen if I can't take it? I hate to complain. I see people like Ms. Jennings, in her quiet strength or the way Brother Kropp was, and I have nothing compared to their illnesses, so I feel bad for even talking about it. They inspire me to try to be as humble, and yet I fail.

I don't sleep well at night, even with the sleeping pill and I can't rest during the day. I'm averaging maybe 2 to 3 hours a night. And I think I might be scared to go to sleep.

I'm going to share something now that happened today. It's so unlike me to share these things, but maybe it will make me feel better, I don't know. I really don't like for people to know these things about me, but here I go again.

I've been waking up gasping again for breath and it totally frightens me. I did that today. I had an appointment to have the tests run to see if I have a blood clot and it went well and they said it looked really good, so when I got home I was tired so I just sat down and tried to rest.

I ended up dozing off in my chair and I awoke and could not get my breath for the longest. I'm sure it was mere seconds but it sure felt longer. I called Jimmy immediately coz he always makes me feel better. I couldn't hardly even find my voice I was so shaken and I was crying. He said he would come home. I was so happy to hear that. I was so nervous and shaky and weak feeling all afternoon. I felt so awful alone and scared.

Have you ever gotten the feeling, even when your so afraid, that you're just supposed to wait on God? That's the way I felt. Knowing Jimmy was on his way was definitely helping but I had already thought to call Ms. Donya and ask her to pray with me, but when she didn't answer, I knew that God was telling me something. I was literally shaking and truthfully, I didn't pay attention to that still small voice and all I could think of was to get up and do something and get my mind off of it. So I started sweeping the bathroom, and all at once God just spoke to my heart to get on my knees. I just sat right down and started crying and praying like a little girl. I felt His presence and His comfort.

When Meggie got off work she called, and I guess she knew something was wrong with me and when she asked, I couldn't find words again, but she said she would be right home. But she had planned to go to the Case's and I didn't want to spoil her fun. Even though I know she would have. But I asked her not to come home coz I'd be okay. She always takes care of me, and sometimes I feel bad for that. But it feels good too. And after that talk with God, I was trying to pay attention to that still small voice telling me to sit and talk with Him.

Ms. Donya did call me and she did pray for me and it made me feel a lot better.

When Jimmy got home, later than he was supposed to, which is not like him at all, I knew that God wanted that time with me. I got a little better, and had some good moments, but it's now bedtime and I feel just so nervous and I'm still scared for some reason. I've cried off and on all afternoon and evening. I don't know why, which bothers the heck out of me.

Brother Wiggins sermons lately have been going through my mind and heart though, which is good coz I'm remembering that 'God does see me'. And 'in my weakness, He is strong'. I'm trying to let Him take this load off my heart and mind too. Scripture from Ms. Donya, Psalm 56:8; 'Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle', has helped me with my tears a little this evening.

My source of grace is Jesus, my strength of grace is weakness, and my supply of grace is ENDLESS! I must see His worth to see my own. Just this past Sunday School alone...'listen to God-He is speaking to your heart'! And He definitely did speak to my heart today. And I always say aloud, 'Lord, help thou my unbelief'! I thank you God for speaking through our Pastor, and I give You all the praise, honor, and glory for it! Even and especially in this weakness of mine.

I must remember HOPE. To be quiet truthful, I hate admitting this weakness of mine to nervousness. I can't begin to explain the failure as a Christian it makes me feel. I've been 'nervous' before, believe me. When I was younger, I battled with things that made my heart just sick and I became incapable of functioning a so called 'normal' life. I've lost days, months even with my children and husband becoz of it. I've felt so hopeless that I didn't want to go on if I had to feel that darkness in my heart another second.

Today, I felt that darkness and it has literally terrified me. But there is a difference in the me now, and the me then. I was hopeless then. But I am filled with HOPE now! I am saved by the powerful blood of Jesus. Psalm 91:1,1; 'He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress, my God; in Him will I trust'.

I think I've written this for myself. To have confidence that I know I'm all right. To have confidence not in myself but in the One who created me, the One who loves me! This is just a trial I must go through. Maybe becoz it is my biggest weakness, nervousness, that 'ole devil is trying to prove God wrong to me, like he tried to do with Job. Well, I won't listen to it! For I believe God is saying, 'do what you want, she is mine, I will take care of her and she will see Me'. Oh, that made me feel good to understand that!

Would you pray for me if you read this. I'm embarrassed by it, so don't mention it please. I'm gonna be okay, I just needed to share this with my sweet Sisters in Christ and ask you to pray for me. I know others have bigger problems and trials, but for me, at this moment, this seems to be mine. I pray I'll remember all night long...2 Timothy 1:7; 'For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind'. Thank you Jesus!