With A Grateful Heart!

I was reminded today of the song on my 'A Porch Sitter's Life' playlist, (to your right, click on it and listen to a snippet), Gratitude! 1 Thessalonians 5:18; 'In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you'.

Everything! Wow, that's so hard to do sometime. Like yesterday, I did not feel well physically or emotionally! It was Emily's birthday and of course the 'missing her' was strong on my heart! And not just her, you miss one, you miss them all it seems! I have to share this, it's one of those ding dongs! I wasn't strong enough yesterday to share this!

Warning, this is going to be somewhat graphic!

Emily was murdered in 1993. A cruel, senseless death! The guy that shot her, shot her first in her face and had to reload! As he was doing that, she ran around the house and was beating on his brother's window to help her, and he came and found her and put the gun (a 22 rifle) to the back of her head and shot again as she was screaming for help! He then went into his house where his parents, and brother and sister were and put the gun in his mouth and shot himself! My niece lived next door and his sister went and got her and she stayed with Emily until help came and I have always been grateful and saddened by that fact! It hurts me to know that Deb had to go through that, but somehow I think it must have made her feel good in the long run. I don't know though! The shock of it must have been horrifying!

Emily was the baby girl of the family. I used to always say about her, 'when she's happy, she's very, very happy, but when she's sad, she's so very sad'! We had already lost a brother to murder, in 1979, David! Stabbed to death! And we had lost Billy to a car accident in 1977, and Bonnie to a car accident in 1976 not a year before. How could someone who knew this, kill another of us?

Again, warning...Graphic!

The bullet hit Emily's brain stem and so there was no hope for her at life! But he survived. Now, how often do you hear that? His bullet missed everything important. You actually couldn't ever tell, or I couldn't, although I couldn't stand to look at him much!

I remember Deb and her aunt coming and telling me and I have to say I truly did not think that it was that bad. I thought maybe they argued and he shot her in the leg or something. Shock is a wonderful thing! I still didn't understand when Deb's aunt took her back to her house and was going to leave her there coz she was sick and she was sick, but I thought she'd go with us. It just did not occur to me how extreme it was.

So her aunt drove me to the hospital and on the way I had grabbed some shoes that had stickers all in the shoe laces and I was trying to get them out. Not realizing at the time that the Lord was giving me something to do. When we got to Burnet, we went to Nick's house, another sister. Closet to Emily. I ran into her house, the door was wide open and they weren't there, so we went on to the hospital. When we turned into the hospital, I must have been rattling on about nothing and the Aunt told me, 'Rachael, this is bad, he shot Emily and then he shot himself'. That scared me bad! And I thought, 'now why didn't Jimmy come with me'. He had stayed home with Josh and Meg! We just did not realize! Oh, but how the Good Lord made me strong in Jimmy's absence!

When I saw Nick, I was so hurt, so extremely hurt to see her like that! I'll never forget that! She was so silent, so still! She couldn't say anything, nor Jess. He looked just as hurt! He mouthed to me that it was bad. They had been there when the ambulance got there! I wanted to see Emily. All I could think of was that she was scared and she needed me to be by her. I don't mean this in a boastful way at all, but in the most loving way. Those younger kids and me were close, they depended on me and I loved being there for them and I had always tried to be. I asked the lady at the desk to please let me in to see her. She kept looking back and she stuttered her words as she said someone would come out and talk with me, poor thing.

Nick started getting sick and me and Jess was taking her to the bathroom nearby and she started throwing up. While he took care of her I went back out, coz I was afraid that 'someone' would come out while I was in there. As soon as I came out, a nurse came out and said that they would let me in to see Emily in a few moments, they were cleaning her up. I almost fell apart at that news! I asked how she was, was she going to be alright? I didn't know what 'cleaning her up' meant. The nurse looked so funny and she said so plainly I can hear it now, 'you do know she's dead don't you'. DEAD? Oh God, I thought, oh God, oh God, oh God. Dead, dead, dead! I know what dead means! Oh, poor Moma, poor Nickie! All I could of was getting in there by Emily and praying for her. I know I could have done it right there, but I think I fell apart for a few minutes and THEN, the strangest calm came over me. I promise you it did. Strength came to me that I did not know that I had. Always before, since I had gotten married Jimmy had been my strength! I asked the nurse to please let me know when I could go in. Another sister had shown up and was trying to tell me that I didn't need to see her like that, but I refused to listen. I was led to go to her!

I called Jimmy as I waited, we cried together, and he said he'd be right there! I called Moma and that was the hardest, most painful conversation I have ever had with Moma! I'll just hold our words to one another close to my heart and not share those! By this time Nick and Jess had been told. I always felt like she should have been told by me!

They told me I could go back. When I walked in I was amazed! Emmy looked so normal. As I drew closer to her I could see that perfect little circle where the bullet had gone in her chin and I couldn't imagine that such a little thing could have taken her very life. I didn't know about the second shot. I took her warm hand in mine and I prayed with her! It felt so sweet and peaceful! Jimmy and I had led Emily to the Lord, and so I knew without a doubt that she had accepted Jesus into her heart and that she was saved! What comfort that brought me! I prayed for Nick and Moma and all of us! So many memories came flooding to my heart and mind as I spent my final moments with her. I was crying and I have to mention Les Ware, he was so sweet, he came to the curtain and asked if I was okay and he came in and gave me a hug. I'd always 'known' Les, but never really knew him, but I thought that was one of the kindest acts of a 'stranger' I had ever encountered! He was part of the EMS crew and I think had driven the ambulance!

As I walked away from Emily, I was grateful for her salvation, for God's strength, for even thinking to pray, and for the kindness of a stranger. Now, I had business to take care of! Nick and Jess! I went and talked with Nick and she wanted to go in and see Emily but she was afraid they wouldn't let her. I told her if she wanted to, I'd get her in. See, I knew how Nick felt. I too, had lost my closet,dearest sister! In the end, she decided not to, but I was willing to do whatever she needed me to do coz she was hurting so. Jimmy arrived and God, how good that felt. He was like me with the kids. We were all close. He loved Emily like a sister and more.

I made this longer than intended but I guess I needed to release these thoughts from my heart. I hope you don't mind, you can always stop reading I guess. Later, we would learn the facts of what happened and it was so hurtful. Unfortunately, I can't say I felt that peace and calm after it all came out. I actually ran as far away from God as I could possibly get! I'd have nightmares of Emily being at the windows of my house, beating on them, begging for me to come and help her and I'd get to the window and she'd be at the next window, and it would go on and on until I just circled this house, but was never able to help her and then I'd awake. Horrible, horrible feeling! Instead of turning to God, I got madder! I wanted to hate Him, but I was scared to, forgive me Lord, but you know it more than I! I was scared to hate Him coz I was afraid He'd take somebody else. But I didn't talk to Him anymore. I became very hard! Steeling myself for the next event! Protecting my heart from another hurt, I decided I wouldn't love anybody. Even myself! And I didn't. I kept people at a distance. Ask any of them! Maybe except for Moma. I couldn't have been mean to her. I pray I wasn't.

And every year on Emily's birthday or on the anniversary of her death, I was reminded of how she was killed and of the nightmares that I would have and I was so sad, and hurt and so very mad! The injustice! Even though 'he' got 99 years, he was still and breathing! I just wanted her here!

But...then when I did change...I changed! The Lord is amazing to me! Through all of that, I believe He stayed very close to me. I may have refused Him, but He knew all there was about me and knew of the hurt, the awful hurt. How could He not know of injustice? How could He not know of the hurt of losing someone by someone else's hands? He touched me! He truly touched me. I committed my life to Him in February of 2003 and even though I'd still have the nightmares occasionally and I'd still feel the injustice of this crime, I changed! But every year I'd still remember the facts and I couldn't get past it. Until last year. On her birthday, I decided that I wasn't going to spend a lot of time at the cemetery, although I did bring her flowers. After that, I just stayed home and prayed. And He made me see something. Instead of thinking about how terrified Emily was, instead of remembering all those facts of the case, I needed to hide myself behind the Cross. I needed to change my thinking. Of course, it did happen the way it did, but I needed to remember Him in Emily's death.

A picture began in my mind that I now always try to remember. When she ran for her life, when he shot her the second time, when she went down...God sent her Debbie. Instead of her being afraid, someone was physically with her. As she was lying there taking her last breaths, His angels were attending to her. She was His child, she felt His peace, not the physical pain (which was proven by where the bullet went). Instead of the terror and the pain and the hurt and the fear, He sent LOVE, He sent PEACE, He sent GRACE, He took her SUFFERING! He HEALED her by taking her! How much more love could He have shown her?

And even though I remembered them today to express my love to Him, I will always embrace these thoughts and pictures becoz they make me strong in Him, and make me feel His precious, sweet love! Every day I feel loved even more by Him!

And so today let me say how even in the midst of such a great tragedy, I am grateful! Thank you Lord!

(Be sure and look below and watch the movie in Memory of Emily, it only takes a few minutes)!