I don't even know who I am anymore!

I don't want to look in the mirror anymore. I try my best not to. But sometimes you gotta brush your hair, etc., but you have to. I hate it. I look and I can't see me anymore. It's as though I am morphing into someone else. I look horrible and now I'm beginning to feel the same.

I'm not getting any better physically either. If anything I'm getting worse. I went for the IVIG treatments last week and I couldn't finish them on the 3rd and 4th day. My arm started swelling and getting really hard and the doctor sent me over to have an ultrasound on my arms and legs. They found a blood clot. Now I have to take blood thinner shots 2 times a day for that. Plus, I was supposed to have surgery on my mouth on Thursday of this week, to remove the chin implant brace but now I can't have that done, becoz of the blood thinners I have to take, so that means more pain. I'm in pain now, the same as usual. And it's the most scary thing, after the blood clot...

...now my Rheumatologist wants me to go to a Cancer/Hematologist. She thinks I might have something else now too, or may have had it all along. So she's sending me there tomorrow. I'm so tired. Yes, and I'm afraid. I'm praying, I have faith, but I am weak also. If I just wasn't so physically tired. I'm tired of going for tests and treatments, and it's an all day affair, no matter what it seems.

People stare at me, coz I do look deformed in some way. My neck and my face are so swollen and I sweat profusely, seriously I do. It hurts my feelings and I don't even know people. I keep buying bigger clothes and I feel horrible in anything I wear. I know I must be vain, but I can't help it.

I look at one of my younger pictures and I don't look anything like myself anymore. I feel the same deep, deep down inside, but it's as though I cannot reach 'me' anymore. It's a scary feeling. Used to, I could pray and draw strength and be encouraged and FIGHT, but I don't have the energy anymore it seems. I'm scared of that!

I just really don't know who I am anymore!