HE came for the little lost lamb

As I tried to fall asleep at after 2am, I just staryed crying, almost uncontrollably. I found myself missing Moma. Seems to be the only way I can let all my tears out! It seems like so many things have happened so fast yet so slowly. I just always figured she would be here when Meggie and Joshua left home. But she's gone, Meggie is married and in Missouri and Joshua has a lovely little family in Sequin. For them I am happy, but I miss them so much.

As I said, so many things have happened so fast and a lot of them negative and hurtful. Moma passing away; the grief from that, but not being able to grieve for other negative things going on; and a dark fear that set in upon my heart, a brokenness that was so heavy.

My older brothers and sisters taking the younger ones, (which I was one) to court over Moma's estate, and the stress from that; and the fear and brokenness continued. Joshua leaving to go to Roloff, the heartache from that; and the fear continued. And then getting sick with the super bug infection and the allergic reaction the long stay in the hospital and the sickness from all of that; and the fear intensified, and the heartache too.

Coming home and being hurt by loved ones for almost or more than a year by not coming to see me or call; and the fear and heartache intensified even more. The sickness and frustration from being sick and all the doctor visits but none of them could find out what was wrong with me; and the fear and heartache grew even more.

But then a relationship between me and one sister grew more loving and secure than ever before and later another sister and a brother; but still the fear and heartache continued. And finally I found a loving doctor and diagnosis; but the fear and heartache continued. The treatments and medication and the sickness and the physical pain; again the fear and heartache continued to grow. And even though I had a kind and loving husband in Jimmy, I felt like such a burden; and the fear and broken heart continued.

During all these times instead of drawing closer to God, I separated myself from Him which is why the fear and broken heart continued. I just had a long talk with my Heavenly and Lovely Father and told him of all these things. I told Him of my sorrow for not abiding in Him and of my great need for Him. I asked Him to take the pain and sorrow and the great fear from me. I have already been feeling His comfort in talking with Him.

Thank You my Heavenly Father! Thank you my sweet Jesus. I thank you so much dear Lord for the gift of the Holy Spirit livng inside of me. I pray my Father for strength in giving You my trust. Please help me Lord to give everything to You. I pray that You will take the feeling of being a burden from me. I pray oh Lord that the fear will leave me and that my brokenness will be healed. I pray Father God that I will continue to abide in You Lord. Thank You Lord for never leaving me!

I've been getting nervous these last couple of months.Two people that have always helped me with this is Jimmy and Moma. With Moma gone Jimmy has the full burden. He never makes me feel that way though. He is such a tremendous blessing in my life! He is one way that I know my Heavenly Father loves me!

In Matthew 11:30 Jesus tells me, ' For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light'.

I memorize Scripture so that in these times I can say them aloud in order to gain strength. There are times when my heart is so gripped with fear ... my tears fall slowly down my cheeks and I taste the salt of those drops and the wounds hidden deep inside there. That part that has such control.

I remember the Scripture 'For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind'.

But sometimes, I must admit, I can't get the control back or allow God to have it. That's when I turn to my loving husband who always has kind and loving words of encouragement and strength. My favorite words ... 'well, bless your heart'.

I'm so thankful God gave me him!  I don't know why I have this problem, maybe its so I will look to Him more. Thank you Lord!

A Long Road

How long has it been since I've written? I am still 'sick'. I sometimes think I am worse off now than when I was first diagnosed.

God is so good. HE overlooks my impatience, and my complaining. I have so much to be thankful for, oh and I am so grateful! I am very blessed

My body is so sore, especially my fingers and toes! I feel as though I've been run over by a mac truck. ITIB 1 MILLION X'S.

Hopefully today I'll start to feel better. I start the IVIG treatments again next week. Oh, I hope and pray it helps!

Faith should be a verb!

Sometimes it seems like all I do is complain. I don't mean to really, it's just that I have been feeling so bad. I went Thursday to the Cancer/Hematologist doctor, (Dr. Chadha, the Rheumatologist's husband), and the tests he ran all came back negative, so I was very relieved.

As I sat there waiting my turn to see the doc, I saw so many really sick people and I thought to myself, 'I am so blessed! Most them were carrying on conversations with others, and laughing or they were putting a jigsaw puzzle together; as though they weren't sick at all, but just to see them, you could tell they were. God is so good. I was scared last week, coz they had mentioned cancer, and a lot of other things, so I was truly relieved when everything came back negative. I had gotten that 'ole hopeless feeling ever since the past Friday when the blood clot came up. Thinking to myself, 'what's next'? Most people don't know what I'm going through, I try not to talk about it! Oh, I know I have friends that would listen, but I really don't like talking about it, it makes it all more real.

So Wednesday as I left Texas Oncology I was relieved, but didn't feel well physically, but God spoke to my heart on the way home. I have been blessed by finding Dr. Chadha, and even that I got a diagnosis. Those people in the cancer center were battling some mean diseases, and though I won't say that mine's not, it's just not like theirs at all.

Then I saw Dr. Chadha, the Rheumatologist on Friday. She is so encouraging! They need to put a port or a pick in me coz my veins are shot. Too, I need to have an MRI on my thighs and a scope down my throat because I have been getting choked so much. Talk about scary, that's scary. Sometime I can't even swallow my on spit! I have muscle spasms in my back and calves and oh my feet! And if I move the wrong way it feels like my stomach comes up under my ribs and then more spasms and they hurt. I just hope I don't do it at Church around people. About the only place I allow myself to go now besides the doctor, coz I look awful. She did lower the steroids again, so hopefully some of this weight will be coming off soon.

I've isolated myself too long and I must get back up and find my joy again instead of the 'ole hopelessness feeling. My quality of life hasn't been that great ever since I got sick back in 2006 and sometimes I make it worse by allowing satan to steal my joy. I don't know if he steals it or I just give it to him. So, even though the doc scheduled me for more tests, I am going to get my joy back!!!

I've been thinking alot about Moma lately too. I'll dose off in my chair and dream of her and I'll awake startled and I'd swear for a split second she was standing there. I just lean my neck over and start to cry. I miss her so much, especially during this time. Moma's are so comforting. And even though I cry for her in those moments, I feel happy that I 'saw' her. As though she knows what I'm going through and she's come to help me. Silly? Maybe, but I find it comforting! I think about how God blessed her even with all the tragedies and the hard life she lived. And she knew Him and knew of His blessings, all the way up till her last breath. She had great faith and I learned from her.

But faith should be a verb, maybe it is, coz you must take action in order to have it. I've been holding mine and feeling sorry for myself and I allowed fear to get it's grip on me. 1 Timothy 1:7; 'For God hath not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind'. But I must remember that I have power, love and a sound mind, all in the name of Jesus! I must call upon it though and claim it. Pray that I will please!

I don't even know who I am anymore!

I don't want to look in the mirror anymore. I try my best not to. But sometimes you gotta brush your hair, etc., but you have to. I hate it. I look and I can't see me anymore. It's as though I am morphing into someone else. I look horrible and now I'm beginning to feel the same.

I'm not getting any better physically either. If anything I'm getting worse. I went for the IVIG treatments last week and I couldn't finish them on the 3rd and 4th day. My arm started swelling and getting really hard and the doctor sent me over to have an ultrasound on my arms and legs. They found a blood clot. Now I have to take blood thinner shots 2 times a day for that. Plus, I was supposed to have surgery on my mouth on Thursday of this week, to remove the chin implant brace but now I can't have that done, becoz of the blood thinners I have to take, so that means more pain. I'm in pain now, the same as usual. And it's the most scary thing, after the blood clot...

...now my Rheumatologist wants me to go to a Cancer/Hematologist. She thinks I might have something else now too, or may have had it all along. So she's sending me there tomorrow. I'm so tired. Yes, and I'm afraid. I'm praying, I have faith, but I am weak also. If I just wasn't so physically tired. I'm tired of going for tests and treatments, and it's an all day affair, no matter what it seems.

People stare at me, coz I do look deformed in some way. My neck and my face are so swollen and I sweat profusely, seriously I do. It hurts my feelings and I don't even know people. I keep buying bigger clothes and I feel horrible in anything I wear. I know I must be vain, but I can't help it.

I look at one of my younger pictures and I don't look anything like myself anymore. I feel the same deep, deep down inside, but it's as though I cannot reach 'me' anymore. It's a scary feeling. Used to, I could pray and draw strength and be encouraged and FIGHT, but I don't have the energy anymore it seems. I'm scared of that!

I just really don't know who I am anymore!

Hopeful Future

This week I went for infusions 4 days. I am worn out. Not only from the infusions but also from getting up so early and being there all day and the drive. I'm praying so hard that this treatment will help me. Everything seems to be a hurry up and wait game. At least I'm not having the side effects of that other awful medicine. Dr. Chadha is so kind and compassionate and all the people there are. She told me this week that she believes I've had this for a long time and it's gone untreated for so long, she's afraid that it may be irreversible. But she says she's not going to give up. She'll find something. What will happen I asked myself, if this is true? I don't want to look at the options, I'm not strong enough today.

I am glad today to just be able to sit. I'm feeling alright, but I hurt pretty good, especially when I get up to do anything. I wish I'd get better, so I can do some things that need to be done. Ya know, the things that only the woman of the house can do...do right that is.

I'm feeling down. I know I have no right to be. So many others are sicker than me and have problems. Meggie sent me an email about a girl going through chemotherapy and was going to look for a wig. I was just complaining this morning about my hair, and I went and got it cut shorter. At least I have hair.

I'm thankful my Father overlooks this part of me, for when I share it with Him and ask for forgiveness, I know He gives it to me. I've had such good prayer times this week, even while having the infusions. Maybe especially.

Jimmy left Wednesday to go be with Joshua for a few days. He'll be back sometime Saturday. They seem to be having a good time. Meggie stayed home to be with me, thankfully. It's good to have her here when I don't feel well, and even when I do. Joshua was battling with that old feeling of failing God and though he knows he's forgiven, I don't think he's forgiven himself. Please pray for him. I pray for him constantly to feel the mercy and forgiveness of our Lord and Savior.

Ms. Warden is home, and I'm so thankful for that and for her surgery going well. She tickles me. She's doing better than me, as usual. Ready to get up and get going. I love her to pieces. I told her I was going to make her potato soup but today I cannot. I don't even feel like talking to anyone.

I know tomorrow is another day and I have hope of feeling better physically, mentally and of course spiritually I want to grow so much. I thank the Lord for staying close to me and for putting it in my heart to stay close to Him.

His Hope is Amazing!

Romans 5:1-6; Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also; knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience, and experience, hope. And hope maketh not ashamed, because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.

Thank you Jesus. I have been leaning on His promises. His comfort is so endearing to me. Without His hope, I have nothing. Oh, how can He love me so? I fail Him miserably, and yet He loves me. Where would I go but to the Lord? His peace is unlike anything I've ever known. I believe that He gave me Jimmy so that I could see even more of Him through Jimmy.

Yesterday was mine and Jimmy's 30th Anniversary. Unfortunately, we spent it in the ER. But as our vows say, 'in sickness and in health'. I know I'm wearing him out and yet he is so patient and loving. I know he's concerned for me, and loves me with everything he has. I used to not be able to accept that. Since I've come to know Jesus, I've also accepted Jimmy's love for me too. I kept him an arms length away for many years. He was so good, and I was so unworthy. His kindness toward me was almost like a whip upon my skin. Isn't that silly? But it's the way I felt. And yet, he was/is ever constant. Same kind of relationship I had with my Lord and Savior, until I truly accepted Him and invited Him into my heart.

Some have commented to me the 'why' of this illness, as though I am asking why. I do occasionally ask, becoz I am merely human. But in all truthfulness, I believe that God is working in my life even now through this illness. If I wasn't sick, there might be something else that could be worse. With this illness, I have drawn even closer to Him. I understand that I must stay close to Him in order for Him to stay close to me. I know He is going to see me through this. But if I don't stay close to Him the prince of darkness, that old liar will confuse me during this time of fogginess and try to make me believe that God has abandoned me. If I know this now, then when I am at my lowest, I shall overcome by just that knowledge.

Meggie and Jimmy both have been so good to me. I sometimes feel like such a burden, but I know they don't want me to feel that way. Meggie just takes charge when I'm sick or I have to go to the ER. She is my Shirley McClaine. I don't know what I would have done without her these last few episodes I've had.

I just thank God for my loving family and friends.

Side Effects from everything!

I haven't written in so long. I've been pretty sick the last few weeks. I started Methotrexate 3 weeks ago, only on Saturday's. It has brought on some bad old side effects, which I'm beginning to believe is worse than this actual disease. Not really, but it sure ain't fun, let me tell you. I sure am blessed to have the Lord on my side. I sit sometime and wonder, 'what did I do before I was saved'? What purpose did I have? I thank HIM daily for his loving grace covering me and making me see HIM! Even through this trial. It's brought me even closer to HIM! Thank you Jesus!

And then last week I started steroids intravenously for 2 days to boost me for this weeks IVIG's; Intravenous Immuglobin. I started this on Tuesday and I have to say, it's only Wednesday and I do feel somewhat better. My feet are swollen from the steroids though and that makes my legs, back and feet hurt. I go through this week from 8:30am to 2:30pm. The Nurse, Josie, is so sweet and fun, and she sticks me the first time, which is always good. I talk with the other patients that are there and I'm learning more things about my disease, and theirs.

I missed 3 opportunities to witness already while doing these treatments. Today as I drove home I felt like Peter when he betrayed Jesus 3 times. But Jesus did come back and forgave him personally 3 times too, and I know HE forgives me, but I'm praying for boldness for the rest of these treatments.

Krista and Caden got to come over yesterday afternoon for a while and we just loved having them. The Easter Bunny came and left them candy and goodies. Caden had a game, but Krista stayed here for a while and her and Papa went and gathered 31 eggs! She loved that. Caden looked so cute in his uniform. I wonder how they did.

Miss Beckey got a job! Yahoo! I'm so happy for her! When she told Meghann that she was going to be substituting this week at the school in Marble Falls, Meggie said that she told her she was going to specifically pray that they would hire her this week. Pray for me Meggie, for you know what....!

I'm thinking of Brother Alton & Sister Betty Box and Lizzy and family tonight. I heard the surgery went well. We're praying for complete healing for you Brother Alton!

Also, I'm thinking of Reba. Bless her heart! She's dealing with so much right now! I'm praying she'll feel the Lord's Presence every moment and for complete healing.

I'm also thinking of my dear friend, Missy!  One lady I truly admire. I'm praying for strength for you dear friend. Don't lose heart. Ask whatever you wish with great belief in your heart. God parted the Red Sea, THE RED SEA! HE will help you...'Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief'. I quote this Scripture all the time, say it aloud, and let ole satan hear you! I'll be praying for you and yours, and please don't hesitate to let me know if I can do something for you!

Joshua called us last night and he sounds so good ya'll! I'm so glad he went there! You can tell the change just in his voice. Thank you Heavenly Father!

My sister, Nick, is sick, so I've been thinking of her too. I'd like to make her some potato soup, but with doing these treatments, by the time I get home, I'm pretty tired. Maybe tomorrow I will. I hope she's better. I didn't talk with her today.

Well, guess that's all for now. Whoever reads this, please pray for me about smoking. I have cut down, but I need to go way down, and eventually quit. I must! It's so difficult. 'Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief'! See?

John 15:4; 'Abide in me, and I in you.'

John 15:4,5;
'Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. I am the vine, ye are the branches; He that abideth in me and I in hiim, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing'.

I needed to hear this Scripture today. I try to pray every day and ask my Lord to help me to stay close to Him so that He may stay close to me. Today, I need Him so. I feel bad. Plain and simple. Tomorrow I take more of the low dose chemotherapy drug. Maybe it's the reason I have not felt 'myself' this last week. I feel alone and yet I have people reaching out to me, but I don't want to talk either. Everything seems to take such an effort. Or, the big one, my emotions show. I cannot trust my emotions. I've learned this over the years. I must trust what I know to be true, and yet, my emotions do get the best of me during these times.

I'd like to make myself get up and do a couple of things that I've wanted to do at the Church, but I just can't seem to get to feeling better enough to do it. I'm just not good for nothing right now it seems.

But I'm praying every day, even into the night. I pray for my family and my friends too and I try to send out cards. I haven't been a good friend lately it seems though.

I guess I'm afraid too. Afraid of what the results will show from the CT Scan, which I still have heard nothing about. How long should these things take? It seems ridiculous to me. But I say aloud, '2 Timothy 1:7; For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind'. I truly love this verse, it covers everything for me, especially the 'sound mind'. or I'll say aloud...'I believe...oh Lord, help thou my unbelief'. I'm afraid of a lot of things, but I'm trying, really trying to put all my trust in God. In my weakness, He becomes Strong!

Thank you Lord Jesus, have mercy on me please!

'Don't allow His death upon the Cross to be in vain because you won't accept His forgiveness for your shame'

I didn't feel like going to Church last night. It hurts to stand, and to sit with my feet hanging down, but I'm sure glad I made myself. I promised God a long time ago that I was committed to serving Him and being faithful. I don't know that I've kept my commitment lately about serving Him as I have just not felt well. That hurts me to know that I may disappoint Him, but I know He knows the desires of my heart!

Preaching was good and some things Brother Wiggins said I had written yesterday during my special God time. I've felt so out of sorts lately with this illness that I've isolated myself. I'm concerned, but I try not to worry about the test results that should be coming in any day. I'm trying my best to put all my trust in my Lord and Savior in this bad season of my life. This new treatment that is not FDA approved scares me a little, but then I know I have to do something. And I felt led by God to this doctor who is very compassionate and caring and smart, so I must trust her decisions. Oh, I've studied on the procedures and truthfully I don't quite understand it all, but again, I must trust her.

The worst thing I can do is isolate myself. I know this deep down, but I feel bad about this weight gain and the swollen moon face and all the other physical changes that are going on with me. I didn't realize I was so vain, but I guess I am. It bothers me that now, I can't even go to the Altar to pray. Oh, I know I can pray anywhere, but there is such a special feeling for me to go to the Altar. But getting up and down is no longer easy. Just about everything I do, I do with pain.

But I love my Lord so much. The sacrifice He made for me is one that I don't take lightly. I'm so glad He's made me realize the things I have about His grace and His mercy. I used to live in a world of shame and with that shame, acceptance of anything good or Godly could not be had. Shame swallowed me whole and kept me in my past instead of moving forward or even in the present. So I made up this phrase...

'Don't allow His death upon the Cross to be in vain
because you won't accept His forgiveness for your shame'.

That ole devil wants us to remember the shame and not allow God to take it away from us. We have to give it to God, daily even. And with giving it to Him, so many wonderful things takes it's place. Thank you Father! Even through this illness, I have grown closer to Him. He carries me on the days I cannot carry myself. He's given me Jimmy, who is just so caring and loving and He lends me friends to help me. But I must accept these gifts also and not isolate myself. That's what that ole tricky devil wants. So, today I am going to concentrate on my mentality and allow my spirituality to guide me. I will accept the Holy Spirit's nudging me as He guides me through this day.

Thank you Father for helping me to see you through these days. I love you!

The Birds Are Still Singing!

I awoke tired and out of sorts this morning. I haven't been feeling all that well. I went out on the porch for my prayer time and the birds were like a choir. It reminded me of the sermon from Brother J.D. Weido, 'The birds are still singing'! A wonderful sermon!

We had the Kindred Sisters Gathering this past Saturday and I felt so blessed to be a part of it! The room was so beautiful, thanks to Ms. Willie Jo Anderson and Ms. Sande Powell. It always is though. Again, I could not keep on a schedule...sorry ladies. But it was all in God's timing! Our speakers did a wonderful job too. My heart was sure heavy for some of them. Ms. Hough's testimony was very interesting! She's seen a lot of good preachers in her day. She encouraged me to stay faithful! Miss Beckey's was encouraging too. She is one smart lady about the Bible. She sure has knowledge! Ms. Vickie's was so honest and it was very uplifting. Ms. Jodi's was heartfelt and heartbreaking and encouraging! I can't thank these ladies enough for speaking. They blessed my heart and I'm sure many others.

I was very encouraged that the women stayed throughout the day, even though we ran over time. Our 'Knell at the Cross' ceremony was so encouraging to me. Laying our burdens down at the Cross and leaving them was one of the best things for me and I hope it was for everyone else. I could not have done this without the Prayer Team; Misty Lewis, Gail Jennings, Lue Harden, Sherry McAnally!!! Thank you so much ladies! We worked hard, didn't we?

I pray that the 'Knell at the Cross' was a time of reflection for the all the ladies to repent of sins and to lay their burdens down and actually leave them there. Just to let you know...the bags were burned as soon as I got home!

I pray that what I really wanted to say at the Closing, came across. Giving Christ the preeminence in our lives, and showing others that we are His Body, His Hands, His Feet, His Eyes here on earth.

Next year, I look for even greater things to happen. I'm wanting others to take charge of the 'Closing', the 'Knell at the Cross', the 'Prayer Team', and other things. I need a committee and organization. This is not my Gathering, but all the ladies. Or that's the way I'd like it. The Lord laid it on my heart 4 years ago to do this. It was something I needed and felt the Church did too. I'm just so blessed that others want to be involved. So get ready ladies for next time!

I have so much to be thankful for and I am thankful but I have no energy now, and I just feel blah. I fell twice last week. I don't know if it's becoz I'm just ditzy or what, but I still fell, so I guess it doesn't matter as to why. My back has been hurting, and I know falling didn't help it any. I go tomorrow to the eye doctor, they're finally getting somewhat better, then for my back I go for a massage, and then I have to go give blood for my doctor visit next week. I try not to complain too much, but I really wish I felt better! There's so many things I want and need to do. Get the book store in order at Church, put in that library I keep talking about, things around the house. Now, I'm just back to doing the basics again. If you only knew how much it takes out of me to do anything. But praise God, I can still do some things!

I miss Joshua. I pray he's doing well. He doesn't get to call regularly yet, but he gets to call Brother Wiggins on Tuesday's so we usually hear about him through him. We can write and he can, though he's not much on writing. I pray with all my heart that he's healing from all the old bad stuff. I pray that God will work compassion in his heart and a strong will for the Lord's work. Ya'll keep him in your prayers please!

Well, even with not feeling well physically...I have hope...I have God's mercy on me. The Birds Are Still Singing...Thank You Lord God!

God is Good ~ All the Time!

Today I'm not feeling too well. It is the Adult Day at Church and I wanted to go, I planned to go, but I didn't sleep well last night or the night before and I awoke this morning with my eye swollen and hurting. Physically I feel so drained and tired. I'm complaining again!

But even in my not feeling good, I'm looking to God for all things. I know He will stay close to me. It helps to know that and too Church was so good this weekend. The sermons were great and uplifting and the Case's invited us to dinner. Wow, what a spread. I ate so much. Talk about good cooks! And good friends! I went home and took such a good nap and woke up so refreshed! And then we had another good sermon! God is good! Thank you Brother Wiggins.

Our Kindred Sisters Gathering is this Saturday and I'm so proud that all the ladies of the Church are involved. So many wanting to help and are especially helping me, since I seem to be so handicapped here lately. I'm so excited with the ladies who were chosen to give Testimonies. Their stories are incredible and give God all the glory. I'm so thankful we have a Pastor who will pray with them before hand and has been so supportive and prayerful from the beginning! I know we are all going to have a good time. Thanks to all of you who have helped me and who will be there Friday to decorate and get things going. I'm so thankful to have dear friends.

I'm thinking of Brother Richard Hansen and Ms. Sue and their family this morning as he is having surgery. I've been waiting for a call from her. I pray for healing for him, I pray that everything is benign and he'll be alright! He's such a dear, loving Brother in Christ. I'm also thinking of Ms. Lola, bless her heart, ya'll keep her in your prayers. I'm praying for you to feel our Lord's Presence very close to you Ms. Lola today and the days that follow. And I'm thinking of Ms. Warden, the little firecracker! She'll be having surgery next week and she seems to be looking forward to it. I don't get around as well as she does now. I just love her to pieces. I'm thinking too of Ms. Dora and Brother Manuel, he lost his Mom last week. They've been in Colorado! It's hard at any age to lose a parent, is it not?

I can't tell you who, but please be in prayer for the 4 women who will be giving Testimonies on Saturday. Their stories are very touching and I just pray for strength for them. I'm so proud of them.

Ya'll keep Josh in your prayers. He's doing good! I'm proud of him. But I gotta tell you, I sure do miss him! Well, in talking about others and thinking of them and praying for them, I feel better. God is good!

Take These Burdens

Heavenly Father,
This is your daughter, I need an answer.
There's so much worry, so much trouble in my soul.
I have always found solutions in these moments here with you.
So take these burdens and do what only you can do.

You've been my anchor so many times Lord, through rough waters.
So just hold me steady
this time I'm tossing to and fro.
But I know you're able to heal this heartache,
'coz you've always seen me through.
Take these burdens, and do what only you can do.

Calm the storm. Stop the strong wind from blowing in on me.
If I must go through the valley, Lord give me peace.
I want to trust you, so give me strength Lord,
just to hold on tight to you,
and take these burdens and do what only you can do.

Lord, take these burdens and do what only you can do!


Thank you Lord for this gift long ago from a friend!
by: Dawn Thomas....sung and given to me by Ms. Oleta Snape.

Again, I haven't written in a while. Been busy with the Kindred Sisters Gathering, but too, these last three days I have not felt well, and today was worse. Last week I had been feeling good and I thought I was only going to get better! I tried to fake it this weekend. I haven't been as jittery and shaky, but the doc changed a prescription on me, and I think I got some of the old side effects from before.

Today was not a good day. I felt awful. So I called the doc and asked to be taken off that and put back on something that I had been taking that helped better. I've been a nervous wreck, to be truthful! While I was on the phone, I was informed that my muscle enzymes are elevated so I can't lower the dose of the prednisone now as the plan was going to go. Saturday, I woke up with my eye hurting, it was all inflamed so I'm having to keep it dialited and eye drops 4 times a day. I just feel bad I guess, both physically and mentally.

Having a pity party! Talked with Joshua on Saturday. When I feel like this, the missing him, gets stronger but I had a good talk with a friend who understands today about that and she helped me, even though she didn't know I felt these things or this way.

I also actually called a friend to talk with to help me, Ms. Vickie, such a dear sister. She prayed with me. I'm so thankful God is seeing to me through these dear friends.

I know I'll be alright, this too shall pass, but I just gotta go through it. Jimmy is a godsend! He's so good to me. I gotta be careful calling him now, coz he'll insist he'll come home, and I know he can't be doing that, but just saying the words, sometimes is all I need. God is faithful through His people too. Jimmy is such a comfort to me and always has been. Just a small touch and I feel so much better, just a word and he takes this pain I feel in my heart! And it was funny but Meggie was home today not feeling well, and just her being close by helped me coz I knew I could call her too if I needed to. See how good God is!

Well, I guess I'll close for now. I'll try to write better next time. I feel so overwhelmed, I wish that feeling would go away, and embarrassment! Pray for me please!

Just piddling!

I haven't written in a while. I started the new medicine to help me get off the prednisone hopefully, by the end of this week. It's amazing how good I feel. I'm still a little shaky in the evenings and a little nauseated but for the most part that's just about gone. I don't have much energy though. None, like I used to have.
But I'll take this over the sicky feeling any day!

I have been busy organizing the 'Kindred Sisters Gathering' at our Church. I am so excited! The Lord has really put things on my heart for this year. There are many ladies involved and I am excited about that and I'm so glad people have answered yes to this call of service. Our Speakers this year are again AWESOME! I pray I've listened to the Lord's direction on things. I know I didn't in one area and chose to do my own thing, but He saw to that and has already taken care of it, HIS way!

I'm so glad I feel better so that I can get some things done for this day. I just pray I won't be shaky and sicky throughout that day. Pray for me please.

Meg's been bothered with bad allergies lately. She seems to really love her job and her happiness is shining through. I sure thank the Case's for their love for her. It has been healing for her. And speaking of the Case's, Pops and Lola both, we're thinking of ya'll. Hope you are both better soon!

If any of you would like to write Joshua, his address is going to be put in the bulletin at Church or contact me via email or at Church. I'd sure appreciate it if you would send him cards or little notes. I know he's probably already homesick. Or maybe not, but it will still make him feel good to get a note of cheer. And I'm going to try to get a list of the other men who are there and we can put them on the prayer list and maybe see to it that they get cards too. Roloff is a godsend to many people, men and women. Brother Roloff thought of these homes a long time ago and I'm amazed at their ability to do what they do. His legacy lives on.

I've heard from Joshua once. He called me in the hospital. Normally, you get one phone call when you get there and then none for a while, and then you can start calling every week or so. Something like that. He can accept letters and cards, but they will read them, not that I'd think anyone would put something bad in a card, but just to let you know.

I'm so proud of him for making the decision to go. I don't want to see him live down there really, but he has to make his own choices. I don't think he could live here again for a while. Too much temptation. I know temptation is everywhere, but when it comes to old friends and old ways, this place is no good for him. It's playing with fire. So until he is sure and ready, we'll visit him there for as long as we have to. I'm just so thankful for Roloff and People's Baptist Church. I know they made him feel like family before. He will have great support!

Well, tomorrow is Jimmy's birthday! He'll be 53! And you know, he still looks the same. Exact the hair. But other than the hair, it makes me mad how he hasn't changed. To me, I don't even look the same. So, I'll be baking 'Jimmy's Birthday Cake' tomorrow. It's a special cake I found on the side of a cake box a long time ago. I shouldn't be giving it to him with his diabetes and all, but it is his birthday so, I will anyway.

I've just piddled around today. Worked on the Gathering, and wrote letters and cards out to send out tomorrow. I had a special prayer time this morning. I just kept writing and writing. It's the first time I've been on the porch in the mornings in weeks. It's been so cold out, but I decided I had to be outside this morning. So I took the electric heater and my electric throw out and snuggled up. I loved watching the birds and spending time with my God.

I was thinking of the Parks'. They went on a cruise. I hope they're having fun. They went with some friends so you know that had to be fun. They tickle me. I wonder what they did with their babies (dogs)? I meant to ask her. They probably took them with them. Ha! I wish I wasn't afraid of water like I am.

I heard that a good friend of mine's son was in a car wreck. At first it was bad news, but then I heard different. I'm praying he wasn't hurt. Ms. Charlotte I'm thinking of you and your family!

Well, God's been good to me today and I sure thank Him for it. A totally different week than last week. Maybe this new medicine will do all that's been promised it will do. I pray so. Thank you Jesus, for looking out for me!

Glad to be Home Again!

Well, as most of you know, I have been in the hospital. I woke up Saturday morning, nauseous as usual, took some meds and fell asleep in my chair. When I awoke, I got up to let the dogs out, and my legs felt so weak, and I felt like I was going to pass out. I went to the bathroom and I honestly did not think I was going to make it back to my chair, or anywhere for that matter. All I could think about was falling and hitting my head, and Jimmy or Meggie finding me later!

Well, I just prayed all the way back to my chair and grabbed my thermometer on the way. (Krista and Caden had been with me the last few days and they had been running a fever, and I felt like I was). I called Jimmy to call Meggie and ask her to come over. She came over and helped me into bed. Took my temperature again and it was 101. something! She got my electric throw out coz I was having chills, and put it on me. I was so cold. I had just started a new sleeping pill and I was afraid that I was having an allergic reaction to it. But it had helped me sleep, and the kids had had fever, so I didn't really think that was it.

Then Meggie called the doctor, and they told her to bring me to the clinic. She called Jimmy and he was going to meet us there. She went home to get dressed and I tried to get up but I couldn't. I had bed head, I needed to brush my teeth and go to the bathroom, gather my medicines for them to see what I was taking, etc.! But, I couldn't get up. My knees felt like they were locked and the pain was so intense, like a vice grip was around them. I worried how I was going to get in the vehicle, but somehow Meggie got me in the car. I should have sat in the back coz having my legs down hurt worse. But I knew there was no use stopping and trying. The pain intensified the further we went. It never let up. By the time we got to the clinic, I couldn't hardly move. Jimmy had to practically lift me into the wheel chair. I was miserable, and a miserable sight. The clinic sent me over to Seton Northwest Emergency and it seemed to take so long to get some relief, but that's the way it goes, isn't it? Finally, they gave me something and the pain went away. My legs were so sore though. I thought it was over, but they wanted to admit me. Man, I hated that. But it scared me coz I didn't want to be an hour away again and have that kind of pain. I thought I was being paralyzed. And in just a little bit, the pain did come back, so I'm glad I stayed!

My doc, the Rheumatologist had just changed medicines on me, and changed the dosage of prednisone to lower, but then the admitting doc at the hospital wanted to up it, and suggested I do intravenous steroids. I wasn't sure what to do. So, Jimmy called the Rheumatologist and she came to see me at the hospital. I had just had blood tests on the 12, and she told me that it did not support any findings that my muscles should be that weak. I listened to her. She's smart and she knows my history. And she knows how all of this is making me feel; the shakiness, nervousness, moodiness, etc.! She thinks the no sleep factor had a lot to do with my spiraling down. And that I got fybromaligia in the process too. I believe that. So she suggested I stay another night and get my pain under control and try to get some rest. The admitting doctor was a good doctor too, he actually apologized after talking with my Rheumatologist for not realizing all the different things that have been going on with me and this disease and the medications. That takes a big person, especially a doctor to apologize. I was thankful to have him too.

So I finally got to come home Wednesday morning, I stayed 5 days in there.

I'm better, but my legs are still bothering me. And all the other stuff, but I am able to sleep with the new medication. Thank you Lord Jesus! I'm bruised up all over from the IV's, but I'm just so glad to be home! Thank you dear friends for praying for me. Thanks to Sue and Victory Baptist Church for the beautiful flowers! Ya'll keep Joshua in your prayers please, I'd appreciate it!

Blessings to everyone!

For Joshua

I used to sing this little song to Joshua all the time when he was little. I found myself singing it this evening as I was missing him. Missing him, but knowing he's safe in the Lord's care, a comforting thought for a Mother!

Click on the playlist 'For Joshua' to hear a snippet!

Close to you!

Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you
Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you
On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon-dust
In your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue
That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you
On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon-dust
In your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue
That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you

The Fam ~ January 2009

 

Coming Home!

Tonight as a family, I feel as though we are whole! Joshua has come home! I say home, and yet he's leaving in the morning! He's come home to God! At Church tonight, for my family, it was so special. To see the lost sheep that Jesus cared/cares so much about brought back is so beautiful! To know that you have prayed for this moment and to experience what you've prayed for is an awesome feeling. To feel the power of God that close to me and to these dear ones that I love so much; Jimmy, Joshua and Meghann, is one of humbleness, thankfulness, and I must say it again, more proof. To be able to go to the Sacred Alter and pray as a family and place our hands upon one another and pray in thankfulness to our loving Father and lose all abandon to everyone around us and just know that God is in our midst is one of the sweetest things I've ever done! To just be able to sit at the Foot of the Cross and rest in His peacefulness and just know with everything you have that everything is going to be okay...oh how I thank you my Father God!

We have a dear family of friends who pray for us and for this too, we are grateful! And I want you to know that we pray for you and yours too. What a special thing for someone to ask you to pray for them. It's a privilege and an honor. And I know when I put in a request for prayer, my name or whomever or whatever situation it may be is being brought before the Lord by someone who not only cares for me, but by someone who truly loves the Lord, and I find great strength in that!

God's timing is so perfect, is it not? He's heard our cries and He's known our hearts! I just can't tell you how deep my love is for Him. I'm so glad we didn't give up. I'm so glad, I didn't say, 'it won't matter'. I just chose to believe in His promises. Every single time doubt would come, I'd say aloud, 'I believe Lord, help thou mine unbelief'! It was so hard to do sometime, but I remembered Scripture in Romans 8:38, 39 (one of my life verses); 'For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord'. I think that pretty much covers everything, doesn't it? This shall be my family Scripture from now on.

I'll miss Joshua, but I'll know at least that he's living for the Lord, and not that old prince of darkness. It's so hard to see when your child is hurting themselves. It's even hard to pray for conviction upon their heart, but what kind of Mother would I be if I didn't. Some call it tough love, I call it God's love. He's going to become the man that God wants of him, and one day his testimony will be even stronger for our Lord and Savior. It's already begun!

I'm just so thankful.

I just had to share this and I don't have time to say all that's on my heart so I just copied what I wrote the other day to go along with it, coz it sure does go with the news I just heard and coz my loving God just showed me more mercy and lovingkindness! HE just showed me more PROOF! Psalm 30:5; 'Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning'! Brother Wiggins just talked of this Scripture today.

Jimmy just called me and we shared some joyful tears! Joshua called him and said he's going to go to Roloff on Thursday! Praise my sweet, loving God! I ask that anyone who reads this, please be a prayer warrior on his behalf! That ole tricky devil sure would like to get him to change his mind before Thursday! I thank you if you've been praying for him and us!

Thank you so much to Brother Wiggins for helping him. For not turning your back on him, and for being a Brother in Christ, a Counselor, a Shepherd, showing him God all the while!

I wrote these words the other day and it fits, so I'll share them again!

I thank God every day for seeing to me. I don't know why it took so long to get a diagnosis but I do believe in God's timing. These last two years, a lot of different things could have happened had I of felt better. Maybe I was supposed to go through this in order to draw closer to my sweet Saviour! I just feel so blessed! I feel as though I am right in God's care every moment. I know it sounds crazy, but it's like He has finally proved to me how much He loves me. I know I shouldn't need proof, but that's the only word I can come up with.

He's proved it to me before in Joshua's life. He's proving it now even. I know He is working on Joshua's heart. I must believe this for I without it I think I'd go crazy with worry over him. I feel sorry for Joshua. He's my son, and I love him so much, but I see what he could be and it hurts me to know that he doesn't want better for himself. I know it sounds crazy but I worry if he's eaten today, does he have clean clothes, even if he's bathed. Maybe that's why that Scripture came to mind from Matthew 6:33, 34! I'm hurt by what others may think of him, becoz I know what he 'looks' like. I feel bad that I think he looks bad. I feel bad when people tell me about him. I would just as soon they wouldn't.

Someone told me Sunday that they he came to see them and they wished they would have had a cattle prod. I didn't understand, and so dummy me says, 'oh, was he talking too much', and they said 'no, I think he was high'. I'd like to know how does that person think I should feel? I truly deep down know that it was not meant to hurt my feelings, but it did all the same. Maybe some people don't feel the same way about their children that I do mine, I don't understand that, but he is my son, my child. No mother wants to know that someone would like to get a cattle prod after their child. I know he's 27, but he's still my baby. And he's in a fight for his life or that's how I feel! I felt so disrespected that someone would speak to me like that, and especially a Christian friend. But as I said, I truly know deep down know that it wasn't meant to hurt me. People just don't understand.

Sometimes I feel so desperate for him that I feel I have to rescue him, but I know I can't. Only he can give his will over to God. And so, all day long I'm lifting him up. At night, while I lay there from no sleep, I look at my picture of Jesus from Moma and I pray so hard that God will protect him, that he'll make him see the errors of his ways. Sometimes I pray that His will will be done, and I add, but please please God don't take him from me.

I pray so hard that I will never have to feel what my Mother felt. Me and Moma would talk about that sometimes and I'd tell her that I really did not believe that I would be able to take it if I lost one of my children, (ITIB 1 MILLION X'S!) and she'd remind me that God will give me nothing that I can't bear. She thought she couldn't either and she went through it 4 times, 2 to car accidents and 2 to murder and there were some bad, bad days but she always looked to God. She said, He'll make you strong! I remember that and I miss her so much in these moments. She was always so strong, so faithful! It's a funny feeling that she's not here. Just knowing that she was 2 miles down the road and I could call her and go by and I wouldn't even have to say anything, but she'd know if something was wrong and somehow she always made me feel better, just by being here! I guess Moma's have that way about them! But she used to tell me all the time...when I finally go home to heaven, don't you be getting sick and nervous. That would make me very sad. And so I remember those things and even with these tears that I cry right now, it makes me feel better!

She had a sweet, dear love for Joshua! And he had sweet, dear love for her! I wish he'd think more on her and straighten up. She'd tell him like it was. Didn't mean he'd always listen, but sometimes he would.

And she loved Meggie too. She respected Meghann so much. Brother Wiggins was talking about Bailey's 'silky' the other day and me and Meg looked at each other coz Moma had cut off a sleeve from her silky nightgown and gave to it Meggie when she was a baby and she'd rub that silky nightgown sleeve between her fingers to go to sleep. I still have it. One day I'll give it to Meggie's baby. To this day, she loves to sleep in those kinds of gowns. I try and find her some at the thrift stores and such and she has some of Moma's.

He's proved it to me before in Meghann's life, when she was so hurt by a bad relationship and I prayed so hard that His will would be done in her life, not hers, not mine! Something she seemed to want so desperately, and her Dad and I were so concerned, yet we gave it over to God and prayed that if it truly was what He wanted, that we would learn to love that person as much as she did. So, when it fell through, it wasn't all that hard to not be glad, however, it was so painful to see her suffer from an other's hands that claimed to love her. He proved it to me when Meggie lost her dearest, bestest friend, Amber Haines, and the privilege and honor it was that Amber's parents asked her, my daughter, to speak at her service. She was so eloquent and spoke of the real Amber, the Amber that some didn't know. And she glorified God when she spoke. Even in her deepest pain, she saw God first. I thank God every day for this lovely daughter of mine, who is so caring to her Dad, brother and me. She is so convicted by the Spirit on what God wants for her life now, that she sometimes scares me, coz here I'll be doubting her decisions and she'll be trusting so hard that she don't listen to me! I'm glad! Really, I am!

I'm glad Moma's 'finally home' in heaven with her other kids. She used to tell me, 'I can't wait to see them again'. I'd get so sad when she'd say that and she'd tell me that we kids were most of the reason she could carry on without the others, but she longed and craved to see Bonnie, Billy, David and Miss M. And I know she's glad to be with Daddy again and I believe that there is a replica of that old house she loved so very much that she's living in, only it's her perfect mansion. I remember when she died, I had the strangest thought and I don't know why. But I could just see Jesus caressing her little wrinkled, weathered face, and her hands and not saying a word, and instantly she was made beautiful again with no pain or suffering or wrinkles from a hard life and a smile was brought to her face instead of the many tears I'd see her cry.

So see, He's proved it to me even in such a hurtful situation as losing my Moma. I know where she is and in that I find the greatest, sweetest comfort. And...he's given me Elaine, Ms. Warden, Ms. Lola, Sue, and Ms. Oleta. I don't know why they make me feel a Mother's love, but they do. Elaine will always hold the most special place in my heart, besides my own Moma. The most loving, caring, compassionate, kindest woman I have ever met. And too, Ms. Warden. I always thank Ms. Vickie for sharing her with me. I remember when Moma first died, I'd just look at Ms. Warden and cry coz I'd miss Moma so much. She reminds me so much of her. I pray that's a compliment to her. And Ms. Lola, she's the sweetest, most loving little lady. Sue is the Moma that tells me like it is and makes me 'straighten up', but she has a soft side with me that maybe others don't see. And Ms. Oleta, she is a mixture of Mother, friend, and sister!

And even in my sadness and tears, I am joyful! Memories can be a good thing. It honors those we love. It makes me feel like Moma is up there now knowing how I'm feeling and helping me to remember her words of love and care. And I know I'm not alone. I know that God is with me and I know He's put me in the path of some dear people. All I have to do is call upon one of them. Sometimes I do, but sometimes I wait, coz I know that He wants me to seek Him first. And in seeking Him first I grow closer and more intimate with Him each day! I pray every day that I will never lose Him. It's the sweetest relationship I have, next to Jimmy!