John 15:4; 'Abide in me, and I in you.'

John 15:4,5;
'Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. I am the vine, ye are the branches; He that abideth in me and I in hiim, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing'.

I needed to hear this Scripture today. I try to pray every day and ask my Lord to help me to stay close to Him so that He may stay close to me. Today, I need Him so. I feel bad. Plain and simple. Tomorrow I take more of the low dose chemotherapy drug. Maybe it's the reason I have not felt 'myself' this last week. I feel alone and yet I have people reaching out to me, but I don't want to talk either. Everything seems to take such an effort. Or, the big one, my emotions show. I cannot trust my emotions. I've learned this over the years. I must trust what I know to be true, and yet, my emotions do get the best of me during these times.

I'd like to make myself get up and do a couple of things that I've wanted to do at the Church, but I just can't seem to get to feeling better enough to do it. I'm just not good for nothing right now it seems.

But I'm praying every day, even into the night. I pray for my family and my friends too and I try to send out cards. I haven't been a good friend lately it seems though.

I guess I'm afraid too. Afraid of what the results will show from the CT Scan, which I still have heard nothing about. How long should these things take? It seems ridiculous to me. But I say aloud, '2 Timothy 1:7; For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind'. I truly love this verse, it covers everything for me, especially the 'sound mind'. or I'll say aloud...'I believe...oh Lord, help thou my unbelief'. I'm afraid of a lot of things, but I'm trying, really trying to put all my trust in God. In my weakness, He becomes Strong!

Thank you Lord Jesus, have mercy on me please!

'Don't allow His death upon the Cross to be in vain because you won't accept His forgiveness for your shame'

I didn't feel like going to Church last night. It hurts to stand, and to sit with my feet hanging down, but I'm sure glad I made myself. I promised God a long time ago that I was committed to serving Him and being faithful. I don't know that I've kept my commitment lately about serving Him as I have just not felt well. That hurts me to know that I may disappoint Him, but I know He knows the desires of my heart!

Preaching was good and some things Brother Wiggins said I had written yesterday during my special God time. I've felt so out of sorts lately with this illness that I've isolated myself. I'm concerned, but I try not to worry about the test results that should be coming in any day. I'm trying my best to put all my trust in my Lord and Savior in this bad season of my life. This new treatment that is not FDA approved scares me a little, but then I know I have to do something. And I felt led by God to this doctor who is very compassionate and caring and smart, so I must trust her decisions. Oh, I've studied on the procedures and truthfully I don't quite understand it all, but again, I must trust her.

The worst thing I can do is isolate myself. I know this deep down, but I feel bad about this weight gain and the swollen moon face and all the other physical changes that are going on with me. I didn't realize I was so vain, but I guess I am. It bothers me that now, I can't even go to the Altar to pray. Oh, I know I can pray anywhere, but there is such a special feeling for me to go to the Altar. But getting up and down is no longer easy. Just about everything I do, I do with pain.

But I love my Lord so much. The sacrifice He made for me is one that I don't take lightly. I'm so glad He's made me realize the things I have about His grace and His mercy. I used to live in a world of shame and with that shame, acceptance of anything good or Godly could not be had. Shame swallowed me whole and kept me in my past instead of moving forward or even in the present. So I made up this phrase...

'Don't allow His death upon the Cross to be in vain
because you won't accept His forgiveness for your shame'.

That ole devil wants us to remember the shame and not allow God to take it away from us. We have to give it to God, daily even. And with giving it to Him, so many wonderful things takes it's place. Thank you Father! Even through this illness, I have grown closer to Him. He carries me on the days I cannot carry myself. He's given me Jimmy, who is just so caring and loving and He lends me friends to help me. But I must accept these gifts also and not isolate myself. That's what that ole tricky devil wants. So, today I am going to concentrate on my mentality and allow my spirituality to guide me. I will accept the Holy Spirit's nudging me as He guides me through this day.

Thank you Father for helping me to see you through these days. I love you!