Faith should be a verb!

Sometimes it seems like all I do is complain. I don't mean to really, it's just that I have been feeling so bad. I went Thursday to the Cancer/Hematologist doctor, (Dr. Chadha, the Rheumatologist's husband), and the tests he ran all came back negative, so I was very relieved.

As I sat there waiting my turn to see the doc, I saw so many really sick people and I thought to myself, 'I am so blessed! Most them were carrying on conversations with others, and laughing or they were putting a jigsaw puzzle together; as though they weren't sick at all, but just to see them, you could tell they were. God is so good. I was scared last week, coz they had mentioned cancer, and a lot of other things, so I was truly relieved when everything came back negative. I had gotten that 'ole hopeless feeling ever since the past Friday when the blood clot came up. Thinking to myself, 'what's next'? Most people don't know what I'm going through, I try not to talk about it! Oh, I know I have friends that would listen, but I really don't like talking about it, it makes it all more real.

So Wednesday as I left Texas Oncology I was relieved, but didn't feel well physically, but God spoke to my heart on the way home. I have been blessed by finding Dr. Chadha, and even that I got a diagnosis. Those people in the cancer center were battling some mean diseases, and though I won't say that mine's not, it's just not like theirs at all.

Then I saw Dr. Chadha, the Rheumatologist on Friday. She is so encouraging! They need to put a port or a pick in me coz my veins are shot. Too, I need to have an MRI on my thighs and a scope down my throat because I have been getting choked so much. Talk about scary, that's scary. Sometime I can't even swallow my on spit! I have muscle spasms in my back and calves and oh my feet! And if I move the wrong way it feels like my stomach comes up under my ribs and then more spasms and they hurt. I just hope I don't do it at Church around people. About the only place I allow myself to go now besides the doctor, coz I look awful. She did lower the steroids again, so hopefully some of this weight will be coming off soon.

I've isolated myself too long and I must get back up and find my joy again instead of the 'ole hopelessness feeling. My quality of life hasn't been that great ever since I got sick back in 2006 and sometimes I make it worse by allowing satan to steal my joy. I don't know if he steals it or I just give it to him. So, even though the doc scheduled me for more tests, I am going to get my joy back!!!

I've been thinking alot about Moma lately too. I'll dose off in my chair and dream of her and I'll awake startled and I'd swear for a split second she was standing there. I just lean my neck over and start to cry. I miss her so much, especially during this time. Moma's are so comforting. And even though I cry for her in those moments, I feel happy that I 'saw' her. As though she knows what I'm going through and she's come to help me. Silly? Maybe, but I find it comforting! I think about how God blessed her even with all the tragedies and the hard life she lived. And she knew Him and knew of His blessings, all the way up till her last breath. She had great faith and I learned from her.

But faith should be a verb, maybe it is, coz you must take action in order to have it. I've been holding mine and feeling sorry for myself and I allowed fear to get it's grip on me. 1 Timothy 1:7; 'For God hath not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind'. But I must remember that I have power, love and a sound mind, all in the name of Jesus! I must call upon it though and claim it. Pray that I will please!

I don't even know who I am anymore!

I don't want to look in the mirror anymore. I try my best not to. But sometimes you gotta brush your hair, etc., but you have to. I hate it. I look and I can't see me anymore. It's as though I am morphing into someone else. I look horrible and now I'm beginning to feel the same.

I'm not getting any better physically either. If anything I'm getting worse. I went for the IVIG treatments last week and I couldn't finish them on the 3rd and 4th day. My arm started swelling and getting really hard and the doctor sent me over to have an ultrasound on my arms and legs. They found a blood clot. Now I have to take blood thinner shots 2 times a day for that. Plus, I was supposed to have surgery on my mouth on Thursday of this week, to remove the chin implant brace but now I can't have that done, becoz of the blood thinners I have to take, so that means more pain. I'm in pain now, the same as usual. And it's the most scary thing, after the blood clot...

...now my Rheumatologist wants me to go to a Cancer/Hematologist. She thinks I might have something else now too, or may have had it all along. So she's sending me there tomorrow. I'm so tired. Yes, and I'm afraid. I'm praying, I have faith, but I am weak also. If I just wasn't so physically tired. I'm tired of going for tests and treatments, and it's an all day affair, no matter what it seems.

People stare at me, coz I do look deformed in some way. My neck and my face are so swollen and I sweat profusely, seriously I do. It hurts my feelings and I don't even know people. I keep buying bigger clothes and I feel horrible in anything I wear. I know I must be vain, but I can't help it.

I look at one of my younger pictures and I don't look anything like myself anymore. I feel the same deep, deep down inside, but it's as though I cannot reach 'me' anymore. It's a scary feeling. Used to, I could pray and draw strength and be encouraged and FIGHT, but I don't have the energy anymore it seems. I'm scared of that!

I just really don't know who I am anymore!

Hopeful Future

This week I went for infusions 4 days. I am worn out. Not only from the infusions but also from getting up so early and being there all day and the drive. I'm praying so hard that this treatment will help me. Everything seems to be a hurry up and wait game. At least I'm not having the side effects of that other awful medicine. Dr. Chadha is so kind and compassionate and all the people there are. She told me this week that she believes I've had this for a long time and it's gone untreated for so long, she's afraid that it may be irreversible. But she says she's not going to give up. She'll find something. What will happen I asked myself, if this is true? I don't want to look at the options, I'm not strong enough today.

I am glad today to just be able to sit. I'm feeling alright, but I hurt pretty good, especially when I get up to do anything. I wish I'd get better, so I can do some things that need to be done. Ya know, the things that only the woman of the house can do...do right that is.

I'm feeling down. I know I have no right to be. So many others are sicker than me and have problems. Meggie sent me an email about a girl going through chemotherapy and was going to look for a wig. I was just complaining this morning about my hair, and I went and got it cut shorter. At least I have hair.

I'm thankful my Father overlooks this part of me, for when I share it with Him and ask for forgiveness, I know He gives it to me. I've had such good prayer times this week, even while having the infusions. Maybe especially.

Jimmy left Wednesday to go be with Joshua for a few days. He'll be back sometime Saturday. They seem to be having a good time. Meggie stayed home to be with me, thankfully. It's good to have her here when I don't feel well, and even when I do. Joshua was battling with that old feeling of failing God and though he knows he's forgiven, I don't think he's forgiven himself. Please pray for him. I pray for him constantly to feel the mercy and forgiveness of our Lord and Savior.

Ms. Warden is home, and I'm so thankful for that and for her surgery going well. She tickles me. She's doing better than me, as usual. Ready to get up and get going. I love her to pieces. I told her I was going to make her potato soup but today I cannot. I don't even feel like talking to anyone.

I know tomorrow is another day and I have hope of feeling better physically, mentally and of course spiritually I want to grow so much. I thank the Lord for staying close to me and for putting it in my heart to stay close to Him.

His Hope is Amazing!

Romans 5:1-6; Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also; knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience, and experience, hope. And hope maketh not ashamed, because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.

Thank you Jesus. I have been leaning on His promises. His comfort is so endearing to me. Without His hope, I have nothing. Oh, how can He love me so? I fail Him miserably, and yet He loves me. Where would I go but to the Lord? His peace is unlike anything I've ever known. I believe that He gave me Jimmy so that I could see even more of Him through Jimmy.

Yesterday was mine and Jimmy's 30th Anniversary. Unfortunately, we spent it in the ER. But as our vows say, 'in sickness and in health'. I know I'm wearing him out and yet he is so patient and loving. I know he's concerned for me, and loves me with everything he has. I used to not be able to accept that. Since I've come to know Jesus, I've also accepted Jimmy's love for me too. I kept him an arms length away for many years. He was so good, and I was so unworthy. His kindness toward me was almost like a whip upon my skin. Isn't that silly? But it's the way I felt. And yet, he was/is ever constant. Same kind of relationship I had with my Lord and Savior, until I truly accepted Him and invited Him into my heart.

Some have commented to me the 'why' of this illness, as though I am asking why. I do occasionally ask, becoz I am merely human. But in all truthfulness, I believe that God is working in my life even now through this illness. If I wasn't sick, there might be something else that could be worse. With this illness, I have drawn even closer to Him. I understand that I must stay close to Him in order for Him to stay close to me. I know He is going to see me through this. But if I don't stay close to Him the prince of darkness, that old liar will confuse me during this time of fogginess and try to make me believe that God has abandoned me. If I know this now, then when I am at my lowest, I shall overcome by just that knowledge.

Meggie and Jimmy both have been so good to me. I sometimes feel like such a burden, but I know they don't want me to feel that way. Meggie just takes charge when I'm sick or I have to go to the ER. She is my Shirley McClaine. I don't know what I would have done without her these last few episodes I've had.

I just thank God for my loving family and friends.

Side Effects from everything!

I haven't written in so long. I've been pretty sick the last few weeks. I started Methotrexate 3 weeks ago, only on Saturday's. It has brought on some bad old side effects, which I'm beginning to believe is worse than this actual disease. Not really, but it sure ain't fun, let me tell you. I sure am blessed to have the Lord on my side. I sit sometime and wonder, 'what did I do before I was saved'? What purpose did I have? I thank HIM daily for his loving grace covering me and making me see HIM! Even through this trial. It's brought me even closer to HIM! Thank you Jesus!

And then last week I started steroids intravenously for 2 days to boost me for this weeks IVIG's; Intravenous Immuglobin. I started this on Tuesday and I have to say, it's only Wednesday and I do feel somewhat better. My feet are swollen from the steroids though and that makes my legs, back and feet hurt. I go through this week from 8:30am to 2:30pm. The Nurse, Josie, is so sweet and fun, and she sticks me the first time, which is always good. I talk with the other patients that are there and I'm learning more things about my disease, and theirs.

I missed 3 opportunities to witness already while doing these treatments. Today as I drove home I felt like Peter when he betrayed Jesus 3 times. But Jesus did come back and forgave him personally 3 times too, and I know HE forgives me, but I'm praying for boldness for the rest of these treatments.

Krista and Caden got to come over yesterday afternoon for a while and we just loved having them. The Easter Bunny came and left them candy and goodies. Caden had a game, but Krista stayed here for a while and her and Papa went and gathered 31 eggs! She loved that. Caden looked so cute in his uniform. I wonder how they did.

Miss Beckey got a job! Yahoo! I'm so happy for her! When she told Meghann that she was going to be substituting this week at the school in Marble Falls, Meggie said that she told her she was going to specifically pray that they would hire her this week. Pray for me Meggie, for you know what....!

I'm thinking of Brother Alton & Sister Betty Box and Lizzy and family tonight. I heard the surgery went well. We're praying for complete healing for you Brother Alton!

Also, I'm thinking of Reba. Bless her heart! She's dealing with so much right now! I'm praying she'll feel the Lord's Presence every moment and for complete healing.

I'm also thinking of my dear friend, Missy!  One lady I truly admire. I'm praying for strength for you dear friend. Don't lose heart. Ask whatever you wish with great belief in your heart. God parted the Red Sea, THE RED SEA! HE will help you...'Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief'. I quote this Scripture all the time, say it aloud, and let ole satan hear you! I'll be praying for you and yours, and please don't hesitate to let me know if I can do something for you!

Joshua called us last night and he sounds so good ya'll! I'm so glad he went there! You can tell the change just in his voice. Thank you Heavenly Father!

My sister, Nick, is sick, so I've been thinking of her too. I'd like to make her some potato soup, but with doing these treatments, by the time I get home, I'm pretty tired. Maybe tomorrow I will. I hope she's better. I didn't talk with her today.

Well, guess that's all for now. Whoever reads this, please pray for me about smoking. I have cut down, but I need to go way down, and eventually quit. I must! It's so difficult. 'Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief'! See?

John 15:4; 'Abide in me, and I in you.'

John 15:4,5;
'Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. I am the vine, ye are the branches; He that abideth in me and I in hiim, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing'.

I needed to hear this Scripture today. I try to pray every day and ask my Lord to help me to stay close to Him so that He may stay close to me. Today, I need Him so. I feel bad. Plain and simple. Tomorrow I take more of the low dose chemotherapy drug. Maybe it's the reason I have not felt 'myself' this last week. I feel alone and yet I have people reaching out to me, but I don't want to talk either. Everything seems to take such an effort. Or, the big one, my emotions show. I cannot trust my emotions. I've learned this over the years. I must trust what I know to be true, and yet, my emotions do get the best of me during these times.

I'd like to make myself get up and do a couple of things that I've wanted to do at the Church, but I just can't seem to get to feeling better enough to do it. I'm just not good for nothing right now it seems.

But I'm praying every day, even into the night. I pray for my family and my friends too and I try to send out cards. I haven't been a good friend lately it seems though.

I guess I'm afraid too. Afraid of what the results will show from the CT Scan, which I still have heard nothing about. How long should these things take? It seems ridiculous to me. But I say aloud, '2 Timothy 1:7; For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind'. I truly love this verse, it covers everything for me, especially the 'sound mind'. or I'll say aloud...'I believe...oh Lord, help thou my unbelief'. I'm afraid of a lot of things, but I'm trying, really trying to put all my trust in God. In my weakness, He becomes Strong!

Thank you Lord Jesus, have mercy on me please!

'Don't allow His death upon the Cross to be in vain because you won't accept His forgiveness for your shame'

I didn't feel like going to Church last night. It hurts to stand, and to sit with my feet hanging down, but I'm sure glad I made myself. I promised God a long time ago that I was committed to serving Him and being faithful. I don't know that I've kept my commitment lately about serving Him as I have just not felt well. That hurts me to know that I may disappoint Him, but I know He knows the desires of my heart!

Preaching was good and some things Brother Wiggins said I had written yesterday during my special God time. I've felt so out of sorts lately with this illness that I've isolated myself. I'm concerned, but I try not to worry about the test results that should be coming in any day. I'm trying my best to put all my trust in my Lord and Savior in this bad season of my life. This new treatment that is not FDA approved scares me a little, but then I know I have to do something. And I felt led by God to this doctor who is very compassionate and caring and smart, so I must trust her decisions. Oh, I've studied on the procedures and truthfully I don't quite understand it all, but again, I must trust her.

The worst thing I can do is isolate myself. I know this deep down, but I feel bad about this weight gain and the swollen moon face and all the other physical changes that are going on with me. I didn't realize I was so vain, but I guess I am. It bothers me that now, I can't even go to the Altar to pray. Oh, I know I can pray anywhere, but there is such a special feeling for me to go to the Altar. But getting up and down is no longer easy. Just about everything I do, I do with pain.

But I love my Lord so much. The sacrifice He made for me is one that I don't take lightly. I'm so glad He's made me realize the things I have about His grace and His mercy. I used to live in a world of shame and with that shame, acceptance of anything good or Godly could not be had. Shame swallowed me whole and kept me in my past instead of moving forward or even in the present. So I made up this phrase...

'Don't allow His death upon the Cross to be in vain
because you won't accept His forgiveness for your shame'.

That ole devil wants us to remember the shame and not allow God to take it away from us. We have to give it to God, daily even. And with giving it to Him, so many wonderful things takes it's place. Thank you Father! Even through this illness, I have grown closer to Him. He carries me on the days I cannot carry myself. He's given me Jimmy, who is just so caring and loving and He lends me friends to help me. But I must accept these gifts also and not isolate myself. That's what that ole tricky devil wants. So, today I am going to concentrate on my mentality and allow my spirituality to guide me. I will accept the Holy Spirit's nudging me as He guides me through this day.

Thank you Father for helping me to see you through these days. I love you!

The Birds Are Still Singing!

I awoke tired and out of sorts this morning. I haven't been feeling all that well. I went out on the porch for my prayer time and the birds were like a choir. It reminded me of the sermon from Brother J.D. Weido, 'The birds are still singing'! A wonderful sermon!

We had the Kindred Sisters Gathering this past Saturday and I felt so blessed to be a part of it! The room was so beautiful, thanks to Ms. Willie Jo Anderson and Ms. Sande Powell. It always is though. Again, I could not keep on a schedule...sorry ladies. But it was all in God's timing! Our speakers did a wonderful job too. My heart was sure heavy for some of them. Ms. Hough's testimony was very interesting! She's seen a lot of good preachers in her day. She encouraged me to stay faithful! Miss Beckey's was encouraging too. She is one smart lady about the Bible. She sure has knowledge! Ms. Vickie's was so honest and it was very uplifting. Ms. Jodi's was heartfelt and heartbreaking and encouraging! I can't thank these ladies enough for speaking. They blessed my heart and I'm sure many others.

I was very encouraged that the women stayed throughout the day, even though we ran over time. Our 'Knell at the Cross' ceremony was so encouraging to me. Laying our burdens down at the Cross and leaving them was one of the best things for me and I hope it was for everyone else. I could not have done this without the Prayer Team; Misty Lewis, Gail Jennings, Lue Harden, Sherry McAnally!!! Thank you so much ladies! We worked hard, didn't we?

I pray that the 'Knell at the Cross' was a time of reflection for the all the ladies to repent of sins and to lay their burdens down and actually leave them there. Just to let you know...the bags were burned as soon as I got home!

I pray that what I really wanted to say at the Closing, came across. Giving Christ the preeminence in our lives, and showing others that we are His Body, His Hands, His Feet, His Eyes here on earth.

Next year, I look for even greater things to happen. I'm wanting others to take charge of the 'Closing', the 'Knell at the Cross', the 'Prayer Team', and other things. I need a committee and organization. This is not my Gathering, but all the ladies. Or that's the way I'd like it. The Lord laid it on my heart 4 years ago to do this. It was something I needed and felt the Church did too. I'm just so blessed that others want to be involved. So get ready ladies for next time!

I have so much to be thankful for and I am thankful but I have no energy now, and I just feel blah. I fell twice last week. I don't know if it's becoz I'm just ditzy or what, but I still fell, so I guess it doesn't matter as to why. My back has been hurting, and I know falling didn't help it any. I go tomorrow to the eye doctor, they're finally getting somewhat better, then for my back I go for a massage, and then I have to go give blood for my doctor visit next week. I try not to complain too much, but I really wish I felt better! There's so many things I want and need to do. Get the book store in order at Church, put in that library I keep talking about, things around the house. Now, I'm just back to doing the basics again. If you only knew how much it takes out of me to do anything. But praise God, I can still do some things!

I miss Joshua. I pray he's doing well. He doesn't get to call regularly yet, but he gets to call Brother Wiggins on Tuesday's so we usually hear about him through him. We can write and he can, though he's not much on writing. I pray with all my heart that he's healing from all the old bad stuff. I pray that God will work compassion in his heart and a strong will for the Lord's work. Ya'll keep him in your prayers please!

Well, even with not feeling well physically...I have hope...I have God's mercy on me. The Birds Are Still Singing...Thank You Lord God!

God is Good ~ All the Time!

Today I'm not feeling too well. It is the Adult Day at Church and I wanted to go, I planned to go, but I didn't sleep well last night or the night before and I awoke this morning with my eye swollen and hurting. Physically I feel so drained and tired. I'm complaining again!

But even in my not feeling good, I'm looking to God for all things. I know He will stay close to me. It helps to know that and too Church was so good this weekend. The sermons were great and uplifting and the Case's invited us to dinner. Wow, what a spread. I ate so much. Talk about good cooks! And good friends! I went home and took such a good nap and woke up so refreshed! And then we had another good sermon! God is good! Thank you Brother Wiggins.

Our Kindred Sisters Gathering is this Saturday and I'm so proud that all the ladies of the Church are involved. So many wanting to help and are especially helping me, since I seem to be so handicapped here lately. I'm so excited with the ladies who were chosen to give Testimonies. Their stories are incredible and give God all the glory. I'm so thankful we have a Pastor who will pray with them before hand and has been so supportive and prayerful from the beginning! I know we are all going to have a good time. Thanks to all of you who have helped me and who will be there Friday to decorate and get things going. I'm so thankful to have dear friends.

I'm thinking of Brother Richard Hansen and Ms. Sue and their family this morning as he is having surgery. I've been waiting for a call from her. I pray for healing for him, I pray that everything is benign and he'll be alright! He's such a dear, loving Brother in Christ. I'm also thinking of Ms. Lola, bless her heart, ya'll keep her in your prayers. I'm praying for you to feel our Lord's Presence very close to you Ms. Lola today and the days that follow. And I'm thinking of Ms. Warden, the little firecracker! She'll be having surgery next week and she seems to be looking forward to it. I don't get around as well as she does now. I just love her to pieces. I'm thinking too of Ms. Dora and Brother Manuel, he lost his Mom last week. They've been in Colorado! It's hard at any age to lose a parent, is it not?

I can't tell you who, but please be in prayer for the 4 women who will be giving Testimonies on Saturday. Their stories are very touching and I just pray for strength for them. I'm so proud of them.

Ya'll keep Josh in your prayers. He's doing good! I'm proud of him. But I gotta tell you, I sure do miss him! Well, in talking about others and thinking of them and praying for them, I feel better. God is good!

Take These Burdens

Heavenly Father,
This is your daughter, I need an answer.
There's so much worry, so much trouble in my soul.
I have always found solutions in these moments here with you.
So take these burdens and do what only you can do.

You've been my anchor so many times Lord, through rough waters.
So just hold me steady
this time I'm tossing to and fro.
But I know you're able to heal this heartache,
'coz you've always seen me through.
Take these burdens, and do what only you can do.

Calm the storm. Stop the strong wind from blowing in on me.
If I must go through the valley, Lord give me peace.
I want to trust you, so give me strength Lord,
just to hold on tight to you,
and take these burdens and do what only you can do.

Lord, take these burdens and do what only you can do!


Thank you Lord for this gift long ago from a friend!
by: Dawn Thomas....sung and given to me by Ms. Oleta Snape.

Again, I haven't written in a while. Been busy with the Kindred Sisters Gathering, but too, these last three days I have not felt well, and today was worse. Last week I had been feeling good and I thought I was only going to get better! I tried to fake it this weekend. I haven't been as jittery and shaky, but the doc changed a prescription on me, and I think I got some of the old side effects from before.

Today was not a good day. I felt awful. So I called the doc and asked to be taken off that and put back on something that I had been taking that helped better. I've been a nervous wreck, to be truthful! While I was on the phone, I was informed that my muscle enzymes are elevated so I can't lower the dose of the prednisone now as the plan was going to go. Saturday, I woke up with my eye hurting, it was all inflamed so I'm having to keep it dialited and eye drops 4 times a day. I just feel bad I guess, both physically and mentally.

Having a pity party! Talked with Joshua on Saturday. When I feel like this, the missing him, gets stronger but I had a good talk with a friend who understands today about that and she helped me, even though she didn't know I felt these things or this way.

I also actually called a friend to talk with to help me, Ms. Vickie, such a dear sister. She prayed with me. I'm so thankful God is seeing to me through these dear friends.

I know I'll be alright, this too shall pass, but I just gotta go through it. Jimmy is a godsend! He's so good to me. I gotta be careful calling him now, coz he'll insist he'll come home, and I know he can't be doing that, but just saying the words, sometimes is all I need. God is faithful through His people too. Jimmy is such a comfort to me and always has been. Just a small touch and I feel so much better, just a word and he takes this pain I feel in my heart! And it was funny but Meggie was home today not feeling well, and just her being close by helped me coz I knew I could call her too if I needed to. See how good God is!

Well, I guess I'll close for now. I'll try to write better next time. I feel so overwhelmed, I wish that feeling would go away, and embarrassment! Pray for me please!

Just piddling!

I haven't written in a while. I started the new medicine to help me get off the prednisone hopefully, by the end of this week. It's amazing how good I feel. I'm still a little shaky in the evenings and a little nauseated but for the most part that's just about gone. I don't have much energy though. None, like I used to have.
But I'll take this over the sicky feeling any day!

I have been busy organizing the 'Kindred Sisters Gathering' at our Church. I am so excited! The Lord has really put things on my heart for this year. There are many ladies involved and I am excited about that and I'm so glad people have answered yes to this call of service. Our Speakers this year are again AWESOME! I pray I've listened to the Lord's direction on things. I know I didn't in one area and chose to do my own thing, but He saw to that and has already taken care of it, HIS way!

I'm so glad I feel better so that I can get some things done for this day. I just pray I won't be shaky and sicky throughout that day. Pray for me please.

Meg's been bothered with bad allergies lately. She seems to really love her job and her happiness is shining through. I sure thank the Case's for their love for her. It has been healing for her. And speaking of the Case's, Pops and Lola both, we're thinking of ya'll. Hope you are both better soon!

If any of you would like to write Joshua, his address is going to be put in the bulletin at Church or contact me via email or at Church. I'd sure appreciate it if you would send him cards or little notes. I know he's probably already homesick. Or maybe not, but it will still make him feel good to get a note of cheer. And I'm going to try to get a list of the other men who are there and we can put them on the prayer list and maybe see to it that they get cards too. Roloff is a godsend to many people, men and women. Brother Roloff thought of these homes a long time ago and I'm amazed at their ability to do what they do. His legacy lives on.

I've heard from Joshua once. He called me in the hospital. Normally, you get one phone call when you get there and then none for a while, and then you can start calling every week or so. Something like that. He can accept letters and cards, but they will read them, not that I'd think anyone would put something bad in a card, but just to let you know.

I'm so proud of him for making the decision to go. I don't want to see him live down there really, but he has to make his own choices. I don't think he could live here again for a while. Too much temptation. I know temptation is everywhere, but when it comes to old friends and old ways, this place is no good for him. It's playing with fire. So until he is sure and ready, we'll visit him there for as long as we have to. I'm just so thankful for Roloff and People's Baptist Church. I know they made him feel like family before. He will have great support!

Well, tomorrow is Jimmy's birthday! He'll be 53! And you know, he still looks the same. Exact the hair. But other than the hair, it makes me mad how he hasn't changed. To me, I don't even look the same. So, I'll be baking 'Jimmy's Birthday Cake' tomorrow. It's a special cake I found on the side of a cake box a long time ago. I shouldn't be giving it to him with his diabetes and all, but it is his birthday so, I will anyway.

I've just piddled around today. Worked on the Gathering, and wrote letters and cards out to send out tomorrow. I had a special prayer time this morning. I just kept writing and writing. It's the first time I've been on the porch in the mornings in weeks. It's been so cold out, but I decided I had to be outside this morning. So I took the electric heater and my electric throw out and snuggled up. I loved watching the birds and spending time with my God.

I was thinking of the Parks'. They went on a cruise. I hope they're having fun. They went with some friends so you know that had to be fun. They tickle me. I wonder what they did with their babies (dogs)? I meant to ask her. They probably took them with them. Ha! I wish I wasn't afraid of water like I am.

I heard that a good friend of mine's son was in a car wreck. At first it was bad news, but then I heard different. I'm praying he wasn't hurt. Ms. Charlotte I'm thinking of you and your family!

Well, God's been good to me today and I sure thank Him for it. A totally different week than last week. Maybe this new medicine will do all that's been promised it will do. I pray so. Thank you Jesus, for looking out for me!

Glad to be Home Again!

Well, as most of you know, I have been in the hospital. I woke up Saturday morning, nauseous as usual, took some meds and fell asleep in my chair. When I awoke, I got up to let the dogs out, and my legs felt so weak, and I felt like I was going to pass out. I went to the bathroom and I honestly did not think I was going to make it back to my chair, or anywhere for that matter. All I could think about was falling and hitting my head, and Jimmy or Meggie finding me later!

Well, I just prayed all the way back to my chair and grabbed my thermometer on the way. (Krista and Caden had been with me the last few days and they had been running a fever, and I felt like I was). I called Jimmy to call Meggie and ask her to come over. She came over and helped me into bed. Took my temperature again and it was 101. something! She got my electric throw out coz I was having chills, and put it on me. I was so cold. I had just started a new sleeping pill and I was afraid that I was having an allergic reaction to it. But it had helped me sleep, and the kids had had fever, so I didn't really think that was it.

Then Meggie called the doctor, and they told her to bring me to the clinic. She called Jimmy and he was going to meet us there. She went home to get dressed and I tried to get up but I couldn't. I had bed head, I needed to brush my teeth and go to the bathroom, gather my medicines for them to see what I was taking, etc.! But, I couldn't get up. My knees felt like they were locked and the pain was so intense, like a vice grip was around them. I worried how I was going to get in the vehicle, but somehow Meggie got me in the car. I should have sat in the back coz having my legs down hurt worse. But I knew there was no use stopping and trying. The pain intensified the further we went. It never let up. By the time we got to the clinic, I couldn't hardly move. Jimmy had to practically lift me into the wheel chair. I was miserable, and a miserable sight. The clinic sent me over to Seton Northwest Emergency and it seemed to take so long to get some relief, but that's the way it goes, isn't it? Finally, they gave me something and the pain went away. My legs were so sore though. I thought it was over, but they wanted to admit me. Man, I hated that. But it scared me coz I didn't want to be an hour away again and have that kind of pain. I thought I was being paralyzed. And in just a little bit, the pain did come back, so I'm glad I stayed!

My doc, the Rheumatologist had just changed medicines on me, and changed the dosage of prednisone to lower, but then the admitting doc at the hospital wanted to up it, and suggested I do intravenous steroids. I wasn't sure what to do. So, Jimmy called the Rheumatologist and she came to see me at the hospital. I had just had blood tests on the 12, and she told me that it did not support any findings that my muscles should be that weak. I listened to her. She's smart and she knows my history. And she knows how all of this is making me feel; the shakiness, nervousness, moodiness, etc.! She thinks the no sleep factor had a lot to do with my spiraling down. And that I got fybromaligia in the process too. I believe that. So she suggested I stay another night and get my pain under control and try to get some rest. The admitting doctor was a good doctor too, he actually apologized after talking with my Rheumatologist for not realizing all the different things that have been going on with me and this disease and the medications. That takes a big person, especially a doctor to apologize. I was thankful to have him too.

So I finally got to come home Wednesday morning, I stayed 5 days in there.

I'm better, but my legs are still bothering me. And all the other stuff, but I am able to sleep with the new medication. Thank you Lord Jesus! I'm bruised up all over from the IV's, but I'm just so glad to be home! Thank you dear friends for praying for me. Thanks to Sue and Victory Baptist Church for the beautiful flowers! Ya'll keep Joshua in your prayers please, I'd appreciate it!

Blessings to everyone!

For Joshua

I used to sing this little song to Joshua all the time when he was little. I found myself singing it this evening as I was missing him. Missing him, but knowing he's safe in the Lord's care, a comforting thought for a Mother!

Click on the playlist 'For Joshua' to hear a snippet!

Close to you!

Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you
Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you
On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon-dust
In your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue
That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you
On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon-dust
In your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue
That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you

The Fam ~ January 2009

 

Coming Home!

Tonight as a family, I feel as though we are whole! Joshua has come home! I say home, and yet he's leaving in the morning! He's come home to God! At Church tonight, for my family, it was so special. To see the lost sheep that Jesus cared/cares so much about brought back is so beautiful! To know that you have prayed for this moment and to experience what you've prayed for is an awesome feeling. To feel the power of God that close to me and to these dear ones that I love so much; Jimmy, Joshua and Meghann, is one of humbleness, thankfulness, and I must say it again, more proof. To be able to go to the Sacred Alter and pray as a family and place our hands upon one another and pray in thankfulness to our loving Father and lose all abandon to everyone around us and just know that God is in our midst is one of the sweetest things I've ever done! To just be able to sit at the Foot of the Cross and rest in His peacefulness and just know with everything you have that everything is going to be okay...oh how I thank you my Father God!

We have a dear family of friends who pray for us and for this too, we are grateful! And I want you to know that we pray for you and yours too. What a special thing for someone to ask you to pray for them. It's a privilege and an honor. And I know when I put in a request for prayer, my name or whomever or whatever situation it may be is being brought before the Lord by someone who not only cares for me, but by someone who truly loves the Lord, and I find great strength in that!

God's timing is so perfect, is it not? He's heard our cries and He's known our hearts! I just can't tell you how deep my love is for Him. I'm so glad we didn't give up. I'm so glad, I didn't say, 'it won't matter'. I just chose to believe in His promises. Every single time doubt would come, I'd say aloud, 'I believe Lord, help thou mine unbelief'! It was so hard to do sometime, but I remembered Scripture in Romans 8:38, 39 (one of my life verses); 'For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord'. I think that pretty much covers everything, doesn't it? This shall be my family Scripture from now on.

I'll miss Joshua, but I'll know at least that he's living for the Lord, and not that old prince of darkness. It's so hard to see when your child is hurting themselves. It's even hard to pray for conviction upon their heart, but what kind of Mother would I be if I didn't. Some call it tough love, I call it God's love. He's going to become the man that God wants of him, and one day his testimony will be even stronger for our Lord and Savior. It's already begun!

I'm just so thankful.

I just had to share this and I don't have time to say all that's on my heart so I just copied what I wrote the other day to go along with it, coz it sure does go with the news I just heard and coz my loving God just showed me more mercy and lovingkindness! HE just showed me more PROOF! Psalm 30:5; 'Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning'! Brother Wiggins just talked of this Scripture today.

Jimmy just called me and we shared some joyful tears! Joshua called him and said he's going to go to Roloff on Thursday! Praise my sweet, loving God! I ask that anyone who reads this, please be a prayer warrior on his behalf! That ole tricky devil sure would like to get him to change his mind before Thursday! I thank you if you've been praying for him and us!

Thank you so much to Brother Wiggins for helping him. For not turning your back on him, and for being a Brother in Christ, a Counselor, a Shepherd, showing him God all the while!

I wrote these words the other day and it fits, so I'll share them again!

I thank God every day for seeing to me. I don't know why it took so long to get a diagnosis but I do believe in God's timing. These last two years, a lot of different things could have happened had I of felt better. Maybe I was supposed to go through this in order to draw closer to my sweet Saviour! I just feel so blessed! I feel as though I am right in God's care every moment. I know it sounds crazy, but it's like He has finally proved to me how much He loves me. I know I shouldn't need proof, but that's the only word I can come up with.

He's proved it to me before in Joshua's life. He's proving it now even. I know He is working on Joshua's heart. I must believe this for I without it I think I'd go crazy with worry over him. I feel sorry for Joshua. He's my son, and I love him so much, but I see what he could be and it hurts me to know that he doesn't want better for himself. I know it sounds crazy but I worry if he's eaten today, does he have clean clothes, even if he's bathed. Maybe that's why that Scripture came to mind from Matthew 6:33, 34! I'm hurt by what others may think of him, becoz I know what he 'looks' like. I feel bad that I think he looks bad. I feel bad when people tell me about him. I would just as soon they wouldn't.

Someone told me Sunday that they he came to see them and they wished they would have had a cattle prod. I didn't understand, and so dummy me says, 'oh, was he talking too much', and they said 'no, I think he was high'. I'd like to know how does that person think I should feel? I truly deep down know that it was not meant to hurt my feelings, but it did all the same. Maybe some people don't feel the same way about their children that I do mine, I don't understand that, but he is my son, my child. No mother wants to know that someone would like to get a cattle prod after their child. I know he's 27, but he's still my baby. And he's in a fight for his life or that's how I feel! I felt so disrespected that someone would speak to me like that, and especially a Christian friend. But as I said, I truly know deep down know that it wasn't meant to hurt me. People just don't understand.

Sometimes I feel so desperate for him that I feel I have to rescue him, but I know I can't. Only he can give his will over to God. And so, all day long I'm lifting him up. At night, while I lay there from no sleep, I look at my picture of Jesus from Moma and I pray so hard that God will protect him, that he'll make him see the errors of his ways. Sometimes I pray that His will will be done, and I add, but please please God don't take him from me.

I pray so hard that I will never have to feel what my Mother felt. Me and Moma would talk about that sometimes and I'd tell her that I really did not believe that I would be able to take it if I lost one of my children, (ITIB 1 MILLION X'S!) and she'd remind me that God will give me nothing that I can't bear. She thought she couldn't either and she went through it 4 times, 2 to car accidents and 2 to murder and there were some bad, bad days but she always looked to God. She said, He'll make you strong! I remember that and I miss her so much in these moments. She was always so strong, so faithful! It's a funny feeling that she's not here. Just knowing that she was 2 miles down the road and I could call her and go by and I wouldn't even have to say anything, but she'd know if something was wrong and somehow she always made me feel better, just by being here! I guess Moma's have that way about them! But she used to tell me all the time...when I finally go home to heaven, don't you be getting sick and nervous. That would make me very sad. And so I remember those things and even with these tears that I cry right now, it makes me feel better!

She had a sweet, dear love for Joshua! And he had sweet, dear love for her! I wish he'd think more on her and straighten up. She'd tell him like it was. Didn't mean he'd always listen, but sometimes he would.

And she loved Meggie too. She respected Meghann so much. Brother Wiggins was talking about Bailey's 'silky' the other day and me and Meg looked at each other coz Moma had cut off a sleeve from her silky nightgown and gave to it Meggie when she was a baby and she'd rub that silky nightgown sleeve between her fingers to go to sleep. I still have it. One day I'll give it to Meggie's baby. To this day, she loves to sleep in those kinds of gowns. I try and find her some at the thrift stores and such and she has some of Moma's.

He's proved it to me before in Meghann's life, when she was so hurt by a bad relationship and I prayed so hard that His will would be done in her life, not hers, not mine! Something she seemed to want so desperately, and her Dad and I were so concerned, yet we gave it over to God and prayed that if it truly was what He wanted, that we would learn to love that person as much as she did. So, when it fell through, it wasn't all that hard to not be glad, however, it was so painful to see her suffer from an other's hands that claimed to love her. He proved it to me when Meggie lost her dearest, bestest friend, Amber Haines, and the privilege and honor it was that Amber's parents asked her, my daughter, to speak at her service. She was so eloquent and spoke of the real Amber, the Amber that some didn't know. And she glorified God when she spoke. Even in her deepest pain, she saw God first. I thank God every day for this lovely daughter of mine, who is so caring to her Dad, brother and me. She is so convicted by the Spirit on what God wants for her life now, that she sometimes scares me, coz here I'll be doubting her decisions and she'll be trusting so hard that she don't listen to me! I'm glad! Really, I am!

I'm glad Moma's 'finally home' in heaven with her other kids. She used to tell me, 'I can't wait to see them again'. I'd get so sad when she'd say that and she'd tell me that we kids were most of the reason she could carry on without the others, but she longed and craved to see Bonnie, Billy, David and Miss M. And I know she's glad to be with Daddy again and I believe that there is a replica of that old house she loved so very much that she's living in, only it's her perfect mansion. I remember when she died, I had the strangest thought and I don't know why. But I could just see Jesus caressing her little wrinkled, weathered face, and her hands and not saying a word, and instantly she was made beautiful again with no pain or suffering or wrinkles from a hard life and a smile was brought to her face instead of the many tears I'd see her cry.

So see, He's proved it to me even in such a hurtful situation as losing my Moma. I know where she is and in that I find the greatest, sweetest comfort. And...he's given me Elaine, Ms. Warden, Ms. Lola, Sue, and Ms. Oleta. I don't know why they make me feel a Mother's love, but they do. Elaine will always hold the most special place in my heart, besides my own Moma. The most loving, caring, compassionate, kindest woman I have ever met. And too, Ms. Warden. I always thank Ms. Vickie for sharing her with me. I remember when Moma first died, I'd just look at Ms. Warden and cry coz I'd miss Moma so much. She reminds me so much of her. I pray that's a compliment to her. And Ms. Lola, she's the sweetest, most loving little lady. Sue is the Moma that tells me like it is and makes me 'straighten up', but she has a soft side with me that maybe others don't see. And Ms. Oleta, she is a mixture of Mother, friend, and sister!

And even in my sadness and tears, I am joyful! Memories can be a good thing. It honors those we love. It makes me feel like Moma is up there now knowing how I'm feeling and helping me to remember her words of love and care. And I know I'm not alone. I know that God is with me and I know He's put me in the path of some dear people. All I have to do is call upon one of them. Sometimes I do, but sometimes I wait, coz I know that He wants me to seek Him first. And in seeking Him first I grow closer and more intimate with Him each day! I pray every day that I will never lose Him. It's the sweetest relationship I have, next to Jimmy!

With A Grateful Heart!

I was reminded today of the song on my 'A Porch Sitter's Life' playlist, (to your right, click on it and listen to a snippet), Gratitude! 1 Thessalonians 5:18; 'In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you'.

Everything! Wow, that's so hard to do sometime. Like yesterday, I did not feel well physically or emotionally! It was Emily's birthday and of course the 'missing her' was strong on my heart! And not just her, you miss one, you miss them all it seems! I have to share this, it's one of those ding dongs! I wasn't strong enough yesterday to share this!

Warning, this is going to be somewhat graphic!

Emily was murdered in 1993. A cruel, senseless death! The guy that shot her, shot her first in her face and had to reload! As he was doing that, she ran around the house and was beating on his brother's window to help her, and he came and found her and put the gun (a 22 rifle) to the back of her head and shot again as she was screaming for help! He then went into his house where his parents, and brother and sister were and put the gun in his mouth and shot himself! My niece lived next door and his sister went and got her and she stayed with Emily until help came and I have always been grateful and saddened by that fact! It hurts me to know that Deb had to go through that, but somehow I think it must have made her feel good in the long run. I don't know though! The shock of it must have been horrifying!

Emily was the baby girl of the family. I used to always say about her, 'when she's happy, she's very, very happy, but when she's sad, she's so very sad'! We had already lost a brother to murder, in 1979, David! Stabbed to death! And we had lost Billy to a car accident in 1977, and Bonnie to a car accident in 1976 not a year before. How could someone who knew this, kill another of us?

Again, warning...Graphic!

The bullet hit Emily's brain stem and so there was no hope for her at life! But he survived. Now, how often do you hear that? His bullet missed everything important. You actually couldn't ever tell, or I couldn't, although I couldn't stand to look at him much!

I remember Deb and her aunt coming and telling me and I have to say I truly did not think that it was that bad. I thought maybe they argued and he shot her in the leg or something. Shock is a wonderful thing! I still didn't understand when Deb's aunt took her back to her house and was going to leave her there coz she was sick and she was sick, but I thought she'd go with us. It just did not occur to me how extreme it was.

So her aunt drove me to the hospital and on the way I had grabbed some shoes that had stickers all in the shoe laces and I was trying to get them out. Not realizing at the time that the Lord was giving me something to do. When we got to Burnet, we went to Nick's house, another sister. Closet to Emily. I ran into her house, the door was wide open and they weren't there, so we went on to the hospital. When we turned into the hospital, I must have been rattling on about nothing and the Aunt told me, 'Rachael, this is bad, he shot Emily and then he shot himself'. That scared me bad! And I thought, 'now why didn't Jimmy come with me'. He had stayed home with Josh and Meg! We just did not realize! Oh, but how the Good Lord made me strong in Jimmy's absence!

When I saw Nick, I was so hurt, so extremely hurt to see her like that! I'll never forget that! She was so silent, so still! She couldn't say anything, nor Jess. He looked just as hurt! He mouthed to me that it was bad. They had been there when the ambulance got there! I wanted to see Emily. All I could think of was that she was scared and she needed me to be by her. I don't mean this in a boastful way at all, but in the most loving way. Those younger kids and me were close, they depended on me and I loved being there for them and I had always tried to be. I asked the lady at the desk to please let me in to see her. She kept looking back and she stuttered her words as she said someone would come out and talk with me, poor thing.

Nick started getting sick and me and Jess was taking her to the bathroom nearby and she started throwing up. While he took care of her I went back out, coz I was afraid that 'someone' would come out while I was in there. As soon as I came out, a nurse came out and said that they would let me in to see Emily in a few moments, they were cleaning her up. I almost fell apart at that news! I asked how she was, was she going to be alright? I didn't know what 'cleaning her up' meant. The nurse looked so funny and she said so plainly I can hear it now, 'you do know she's dead don't you'. DEAD? Oh God, I thought, oh God, oh God, oh God. Dead, dead, dead! I know what dead means! Oh, poor Moma, poor Nickie! All I could of was getting in there by Emily and praying for her. I know I could have done it right there, but I think I fell apart for a few minutes and THEN, the strangest calm came over me. I promise you it did. Strength came to me that I did not know that I had. Always before, since I had gotten married Jimmy had been my strength! I asked the nurse to please let me know when I could go in. Another sister had shown up and was trying to tell me that I didn't need to see her like that, but I refused to listen. I was led to go to her!

I called Jimmy as I waited, we cried together, and he said he'd be right there! I called Moma and that was the hardest, most painful conversation I have ever had with Moma! I'll just hold our words to one another close to my heart and not share those! By this time Nick and Jess had been told. I always felt like she should have been told by me!

They told me I could go back. When I walked in I was amazed! Emmy looked so normal. As I drew closer to her I could see that perfect little circle where the bullet had gone in her chin and I couldn't imagine that such a little thing could have taken her very life. I didn't know about the second shot. I took her warm hand in mine and I prayed with her! It felt so sweet and peaceful! Jimmy and I had led Emily to the Lord, and so I knew without a doubt that she had accepted Jesus into her heart and that she was saved! What comfort that brought me! I prayed for Nick and Moma and all of us! So many memories came flooding to my heart and mind as I spent my final moments with her. I was crying and I have to mention Les Ware, he was so sweet, he came to the curtain and asked if I was okay and he came in and gave me a hug. I'd always 'known' Les, but never really knew him, but I thought that was one of the kindest acts of a 'stranger' I had ever encountered! He was part of the EMS crew and I think had driven the ambulance!

As I walked away from Emily, I was grateful for her salvation, for God's strength, for even thinking to pray, and for the kindness of a stranger. Now, I had business to take care of! Nick and Jess! I went and talked with Nick and she wanted to go in and see Emily but she was afraid they wouldn't let her. I told her if she wanted to, I'd get her in. See, I knew how Nick felt. I too, had lost my closet,dearest sister! In the end, she decided not to, but I was willing to do whatever she needed me to do coz she was hurting so. Jimmy arrived and God, how good that felt. He was like me with the kids. We were all close. He loved Emily like a sister and more.

I made this longer than intended but I guess I needed to release these thoughts from my heart. I hope you don't mind, you can always stop reading I guess. Later, we would learn the facts of what happened and it was so hurtful. Unfortunately, I can't say I felt that peace and calm after it all came out. I actually ran as far away from God as I could possibly get! I'd have nightmares of Emily being at the windows of my house, beating on them, begging for me to come and help her and I'd get to the window and she'd be at the next window, and it would go on and on until I just circled this house, but was never able to help her and then I'd awake. Horrible, horrible feeling! Instead of turning to God, I got madder! I wanted to hate Him, but I was scared to, forgive me Lord, but you know it more than I! I was scared to hate Him coz I was afraid He'd take somebody else. But I didn't talk to Him anymore. I became very hard! Steeling myself for the next event! Protecting my heart from another hurt, I decided I wouldn't love anybody. Even myself! And I didn't. I kept people at a distance. Ask any of them! Maybe except for Moma. I couldn't have been mean to her. I pray I wasn't.

And every year on Emily's birthday or on the anniversary of her death, I was reminded of how she was killed and of the nightmares that I would have and I was so sad, and hurt and so very mad! The injustice! Even though 'he' got 99 years, he was still and breathing! I just wanted her here!

But...then when I did change...I changed! The Lord is amazing to me! Through all of that, I believe He stayed very close to me. I may have refused Him, but He knew all there was about me and knew of the hurt, the awful hurt. How could He not know of injustice? How could He not know of the hurt of losing someone by someone else's hands? He touched me! He truly touched me. I committed my life to Him in February of 2003 and even though I'd still have the nightmares occasionally and I'd still feel the injustice of this crime, I changed! But every year I'd still remember the facts and I couldn't get past it. Until last year. On her birthday, I decided that I wasn't going to spend a lot of time at the cemetery, although I did bring her flowers. After that, I just stayed home and prayed. And He made me see something. Instead of thinking about how terrified Emily was, instead of remembering all those facts of the case, I needed to hide myself behind the Cross. I needed to change my thinking. Of course, it did happen the way it did, but I needed to remember Him in Emily's death.

A picture began in my mind that I now always try to remember. When she ran for her life, when he shot her the second time, when she went down...God sent her Debbie. Instead of her being afraid, someone was physically with her. As she was lying there taking her last breaths, His angels were attending to her. She was His child, she felt His peace, not the physical pain (which was proven by where the bullet went). Instead of the terror and the pain and the hurt and the fear, He sent LOVE, He sent PEACE, He sent GRACE, He took her SUFFERING! He HEALED her by taking her! How much more love could He have shown her?

And even though I remembered them today to express my love to Him, I will always embrace these thoughts and pictures becoz they make me strong in Him, and make me feel His precious, sweet love! Every day I feel loved even more by Him!

And so today let me say how even in the midst of such a great tragedy, I am grateful! Thank you Lord!

(Be sure and look below and watch the movie in Memory of Emily, it only takes a few minutes)!

Happy Birthday Miss M! We will Remember You! February 8, 1970 ~ September 15, 1993

There's No Place Like Home!

I've had such a good day! Nausea has only bothered me a bit, keep your fingers crossed! Jimmy told me last night that he took off today so we could spend some time together and I really appreciated that! Ended up though that we both had to ran errands in the AM, so we split up for a while, but this afternoon we've spent time together and it was fun!

I know ya'll think I'm crazy but it feels so good to feel good! My day used to revolve around a nap! Truthfully! I'm embarrassed by it now, but man, I remember when if I had to make an appointment or go somewhere, it was made around my nap. I had to be home by 1:30pm at least. I was always so tired and didn't feel good! It felt so good today to be coming home and I felt elated to get there! Not tired and rushed and blah feeling! Did I tell you that I don't have to take high blood pressure medication anymore? I think my blood pressure was up coz I was always in pain.

Anyway, when I got home, I went right to work on a couple of projects and Jimmy surprised me by going and putting up my Christmas present, a 10 laying chicken coop, up! I was so excited!
Am I country or what? Now, I have all my hens in two separate pens. One has a 3 laying coop and the other the 10, but I only have 8 hens, so I need to get some more. And they're laying! Yeah! There's nothing funnier than looking for eggs! I gave the Case's and 18 pack the other night. They were so little, but hens aren't all the way grown yet.

I just love our place, 'Twelve Acres', it's really 11.9, but that don't sound good! It's just so us! Jimmy always compliments me that I have made it a home! I know God gave me some talent and I love to sit among simple, country things! But to me their beautiful!

Which got me to thinking about Philippians 4;8 again! 'Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things'! Thank you Lord for that verse! How can I not be happy if I just do this?

See, I see God in all these little projects I do. I'm making things beautiful that he's given me, okay maybe just beautiful to me, but still. When I make flowers for the Church or I decorate, I'm thinking I want to make Jesus' House beautiful! I think I'm somewhat of a perfectionist even if others might not think it's pretty. If something if off center, or out of place, it'll drive me nuts till I fix it. You should see how I feel sometimes when I look at the flowers at the Church. If they're messed up in my mind, it takes all I've got to not go up there during the preaching hour to fix it. Boy, wouldn't that be a hoot?

And I've filled spaces in the house and out with sweet memories! Like the many things Jimmy has given me, too many to put down, (red couch and chair), sweet dishes! Or like Daddy's rock garden or Moma's chair and picture of Jesus, Or Papa Shaw's little cup and bowl with 'Mary had a little lamb' on it, or Meme's special, beautiful quilts! I have special memento's of my brothers and sisters who have died that I treasure, even if I don't have those sitting out. And I keep adding...for Christmas Sue gave us money and I redid our bedroom, and I am reminded of her and Brother Kropp, bless his heart! Or Ms Oleta gave me Brother's Tom's parents old pie safe and it is gorgeous and there too I'm reminded of dear loved ones whom have gone home to be with the Lord, but I got a little piece of them with me! Not just things, you know what I mean! And of course pictures of the Fam and special gifts from my Sisola Nick (roosters), or friends Lizzy (favorite, Rooster & Chicken Box) and Brandy! And all the little trinkets from the kids through the years. I even have flowers that the kids gave me the first time in little envelopes or Meggie's first flowers from a boy in kindergarten!

I know I can't take these things with me and I won't need to but I like to surround myself with 'lovely' things and to me these things are lovely. And maybe one day Meggie will treasure them as I do and it will make her heart glad, or my daughter in law, if I ever get one! So, I take pleasure in these simple, inexpensive things that God has blessed me with! And while I know my home is in Heaven, and I treasure that above all, while I'm here on earth, There's No Place Like Home!

Matthew 6:33, 34; 'But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof'.

I needed that verse! I need to give my entire attention to what God is doing right now. He will help me deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes!

I've had a somewhat good day. I seem to complain a lot, don't I? I am grateful! I'm so thankful that I feel better. It doesn't sound like it I know, but truly I do feel better than I have in years! I think I just got kind of used to the pain and the other stuff that I had going on, to the point that I figured if the doctors kept telling me that 'nothing was wrong', then nothing was wrong and I'd just have to learn to live with it!

I know I contradict myself a bit. I do feel good! Physically my body is able to do so much more than I could have imagined, but this nausea is bad, and the sleep deprivation. I am so tired! I can't tell you how very tired I am. I never have been good at taking any kind of pain pills, or really any to be truthful. Things would always make me feel so wired. If it made others sleepy, it'd keep me up! And I guess the same is here with these medications. I think the sleeping pill has just the opposite effect on me, but I take it anyway coz at least I sleep a couple of hours.

And even though I'm having 'mental' moments, I am the happiest, the most joyful that I have been in years! Actually I don't think that I've ever had joy before. Isn't that funny how a person can feel that way? It isn't the medication, believe me! Coz I could do without the side effects! I thank God every day for seeing to me. I don't know why it took so long to get a diagnosis but I do believe in God's timing. These last two years, a lot of different things could have happened had I of felt better. Maybe I was supposed to go through this in order to draw closer to my sweet Saviour! I just feel so blessed! I feel as though I am right in God's care every moment. I know it sounds crazy, but it's like He has finally proved to me how much He loves me. I know I shouldn't need proof, but that's the only word I can come up with.

He's proved it to me before in Meghann's life, when she was so hurt by a bad relationship and I prayed so hard that His will would be done in her life, not hers, not mine! Something she seemed to want so desperately, and her Dad and I were so concerned, yet we gave it over to God and prayed that if it truly was what He wanted, that we would learn to love that person as much as she did. So, when it fell through, it wasn't all that hard to not be glad, however, it was so painful to see her suffer from an other's hands that claimed to love her. He proved it to me when Meggie lost her dearest, bestest friend, Amber Haines, and the privilege and honor it was that Amber's parents asked her, my daughter, to speak at her service. She was so eloquent and spoke of the real Amber, the Amber that some didn't know. And she glorified God when she spoke. Even in her deepest pain, she saw God first. I thank God every day for this lovely daughter of mine, who is so caring to her Dad, brother and me. She is so convicted by the Spirit on what God wants for her life now, that she sometimes scares me, coz here I'll be doubting her decisions and she'll be trusting so hard that she don't listen to me! I'm glad! Really, I am!

He's proved it to me before in Joshua's life. He's proving it now even. I know He is working on Joshua's heart. I must believe this for I without it I think I'd go crazy with worry over him. I feel sorry for Joshua. He's my son, and I love him so much, but I see what he could be and it hurts me to know that he doesn't want better for himself. I know it sounds crazy but I worry if he's eaten today, does he have clean clothes, even if he's bathed. Maybe that's why that Scripture came to mind from Matthew 6:33, 34! I'm hurt by what others may think of him, becoz I know what he 'looks' like. I feel bad that I think he looks bad. I feel bad when people tell me about him. I would just as soon they wouldn't.

Someone told me Sunday that they he came to see them and they wished they would have had a cattle prod. I didn't understand, and so dummy me says, 'oh, was he talking too much', and they said 'no, I think he was high'. I'd like to know how does that person think I should feel? I truly deep down know that it was not meant to hurt my feelings, but it did all the same. Maybe some people don't feel the same way about their children that I do mine, I don't understand that, but he is my son, my child. No mother wants to know that someone would like to get a cattle prod after their child. I know he's 27, but he's still my baby. And he's in a fight for his life or that's how I feel! I felt so disrespected that someone would speak to me like that, and especially a Christian friend. But as I said, I truly know deep down know that it wasn't meant to hurt me. People just don't understand.

Sometimes I feel so desperate for him that I feel I have to rescue him, but I know I can't. Only he can give his will over to God. And so, all day long I'm lifting him up. At night, while I lay there from no sleep, I look at my picture of Jesus from Moma and I pray so hard that God will protect him, that he'll make him see the errors of his ways. Sometimes I pray that His will will be done, and I add, but please please God don't take him from me.

I pray so hard that I will never have to feel what my Mother felt. Me and Moma would talk about that sometimes and I'd tell her that I really did not believe that I would be able to take it if I lost one of my children, (ITIB 1 MILLION X'S!) and she'd remind me that God will give me nothing that I can't bear. She thought she couldn't either and she went through it 4 times, 2 to car accidents and 2 to murder and there were some bad, bad days but she always looked to God. She said, He'll make you strong! I remember that and I miss her so much in these moments. She was always so strong, so faithful! It's a funny feeling that she's not here. Just knowing that she was 2 miles down the road and I could call her and go by and I wouldn't even have to say anything, but she'd know if something was wrong and somehow she always made me feel better, just by being here! I guess Moma's have that way about them! But she used to tell me all the time...when I finally go home to heaven, don't you be getting sick and nervous. That would make me very sad. And so I remember those things and even with these tears that I cry right now, it makes me feel better!

She had a sweet, dear love for Joshua! And he had sweet, dear love for her! I wish he'd think more on her and straighten up. She'd tell him like it was. Didn't mean he'd always listen, but sometimes he would. And she loved Meggie too. She respected Meghann so much. Brother Wiggins was talking about Bailey's 'silky' the other day and me and Meg looked at each other coz Moma had cut off a sleeve from her silky nightgown and gave to it Meggie when she was a baby and she'd rub that silky nightgown sleeve between her fingers to go to sleep. I still have it. One day I'll give it to Meggie's baby. To this day, she loves to sleep in those kinds of gowns. I try and find her some at the thrift stores and such and she has some of Moma's.

I'm glad Moma's 'finally home' in heaven with her other kids. She used to tell me, 'I can't wait to see them again'. I'd get so sad when she'd say that and she'd tell me that we kids were most of the reason she could carry on without the others, but she longed and craved to see Bonnie, Billy, David and Miss M. And I know she's glad to be with Daddy again and I believe that there is a replica of that old house she loved so very much that she's living in, only it's her perfect mansion. I remember when she died, I had the strangest thought and I don't know why. But I could just see Jesus caressing her little wrinkled, weathered face, and her hands and not saying a word, and instantly she was made beautiful again with no pain or suffering or wrinkles from a hard life and a smile was brought to her face instead of the many tears I'd see her cry.

So see, He's proved it to me even in such a hurtful situation as losing my Moma. I know where she is and in that I find the greatest, sweetest comfort. And...he's given me Elaine, Ms. Warden, Ms. Lola, Sue, and Ms. Oleta. I don't know why they make me feel a Mother's love, but they do. Elaine will always hold the most special place in my heart, besides my own Moma. The most loving, caring, compassionate, kindest woman I have ever met. And too, Ms. Warden. I always thank Ms. Vickie for sharing her with me. I remember when Moma first died, I'd just look at Ms. Warden and cry coz I'd miss Moma so much. She reminds me so much of her. I pray that's a compliment to her. And Ms. Lola, she's the sweetest, most loving little lady. Sue is the Moma that tells me like it is and makes me 'straighten up', but she has a soft side with me that maybe others don't see. And Ms. Oleta, she is a mixture of Mother, friend, and sister!

And even in my sadness and tears, I am joyful! Memories can be a good thing. It honors those we love. It makes me feel like Moma is up there now knowing how I'm feeling and helping me to remember her words of love and care. And I know I'm not alone. I know that God is with me and I know He's put me in the path of some dear people. All I have to do is call upon one of them. Sometimes I do, but sometimes I wait, coz I know that He wants me to seek Him first. And in seeking Him first I grow closer and more intimate with Him each day! I pray every day that I will never lose Him. It's the sweetest relationship I have, next to Jimmy!

A Spirit Filled Church

Victory Baptist was filled with the Spirit tonight. I'm not saying that it isn't usually, but tonight was extra special. Brother Wiggins was powerful and the most compassionate I've seen him. Our Lord is blessing us with this Pastor and his wife, Ms. Donya and their children. The feeling was indescribable! I should say is indescribable becoz the 'feeling' is still there.

I have been praying for the Pastor and his family, and really trying to encourage him/them instead of discourage, which I think I might have been doing. The transition was a little bit hard. I found myself comparing the 'old' with the 'new', but I must tell you that there will be no more comparing. In actuality there is no comparison! I see a God filled man ready and willing to do the will of God. I see compassion and a yearning to please our Father in Heaven and a direction that our Church has needed for a good while.

I feel closer to each member and I love them like family. In some ways I'm closer to them than my own blood family. It's so special, edifying and uplifting. The care and concern we are gaining for one another is incredible. Bonds are created and being created that are so strong. Our bond in the Lamb of God, our Sacrifice, is great. Thank you sweet Jesus, Lord of Lords!
Our victory has already been claimed!

Tonight, I am reminded of one of my favorite Scriptures from Ecclesiastes 4:9-12; 'Two are better than one; because the have a good reward for their labour. For they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat; but how can one be warm alone? And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken'.

My heart has been so burdened the last few weeks with physical ailments and stressful situations. I've been trying so hard to put all my trust in my Lord and Saviour and I thank Him that He's been with me through it all, but tonight my burdens were actually lifted there at the sacred altar! I feel renewed, refreshed and rejuvenated!

I pray my Jesus, that I will never, never move from you! I pray that I will stay close to you so that You may be able to stay close to me. John 15:4; Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me'. How special I feel to have gone through this so intimate and personal experience tonight with my husband, Jimmy, and my daughter, Meghann right there with me. It hurts that Joshua cannot feel this 'high', but I believe and trust that it is just a matter of time. The Lord loves him also and so many people are praying for him!

Thank you Brother Wiggins for your prayer over my family and the many other families that came forth tonight. Thank you for caring and for following the compassionate and loving ways of Jesus Christ. I thank you for loving Him the way you do and for serving Him. May God continue to bless you and your family and all the members of Victory Baptist Church, and all that we each come into contact with!

John 5:16; 'Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven'. I give all honour and praise to you Heavenly Father. Thank you for loving me and giving me the gift of salvation and eternal life!

I've had a pretty good day today. I've only felt bad this evening, but that's becoz I've gone all day without sitting down and resting. Reba called and asked me if I'd like to have the kids tonight. Did she really need to ask? I don't get to see them enough since they've started school. We had fun feeding the animals. They fed Hank (donkey) & Molly~Girl (Shelton pony), water-melon and the kids and the animals all loved that! Caden has a basketball game tomorrow, and he asked me to go, but I'm not much for crowds but I sure wish him luck. He has grown so much. First thing Krista noticed when she got here was that my house was different. They both fell asleep before 10PM. They are just so special to us!

Meg went to Miss Beckey's and they sounded like they all had fun. She seems happier lately and I know it's partly coz of a good friend in Miss Beckey and Pops and Lola adopting her! I'm glad she has some special people in her life. People who love God first and set the example. Thanks you guys. Ya'll are special to us too!

I haven't heard from Joshua. I remember when I'd get up in the middle of the night and go look for him before, when I had not a clue as to where he lived and where he was. It never did me any good. I'd make myself physically sick. But now, I'm just putting all my worry into trusting the Lord. I know God's working on him and wants what's best for him! It may sound crazy but I believe he's saved. Back when I didn't think he was, I was so sorrowful and sick about his well being. Knowing he's saved comforts me now! I pray with all my heart that he will really look at his life and what it has been with God, and what it could be again and that he will make the right decision and please go get help. I sure do miss him, but I cannot condone what he does or pretend that he doesn't do it. I can never do that again! He gets mad at me coz I won't let up on it, but I can't help it. I promised myself a long time ago to never ignore something like that again, and I won't. I sure pray for his safety though. Every single time he comes to mind, (24/7), I just lift him up, coz I really can't stand to think about it.

Tomorrow is the Victory Outreach Day! I'm hoping I'll feel like going! I kind of miss being around people and visiting. But sometimes I feel so nauseated that it just wouldn't do to be around people. I'm that way at Church too, so if you see me looking sick, I probably am.

Well, guess that's all. It's 11:30PM and I'm actually sleepy, so I think I'll try to get some much needed rest! Please continue to pray for us.

Thank you Jesus for a good day!

Compared to Tuesday, I am so much better. I still feel 'sickly' most of the day (and night), but I do seem to be getting at least a little more tolerable of it. I still don't sleep good though. Last night I did sleep a little better, but tonight, here it is at 1:30am and I am finally going to retire to bed. I've been sewing, so at least I had something to do.

I've been bathing myself in prayer, even more so since Tuesday's events and I have to say that I feel so close to my Lord. I may have overreacted just a little bit, but on that day, it was very real. Sleep deprivation is bad on my emotional state and always has been. I guess it would be for anybody. Thankfully, I did get a cat nap today for a bit, with no incidences.

I've been going around cleaning up and organizing the house. It's amazing to me how bad I seem to have let it get! I have felt bad physically for so long that I just did the basics. And not only that, now most days I'm very creative and artsy! I haven't done any creative things in such a long time. It feels good again! As far as the house, I'm not through yet, but I'm actually enjoying it! I've redone our bedroom, and made by myself an organized closet. Cut the wood and everything and made shelves. I've rearranged furniture, and brought in different things from storage. I've gone through closets, and boxes, and you name it. I'm clearing out the clutter. The only good thing about this medication...energy!!! It won't let me slow down it seems. I'm constantly finding something to do. Compared to the lazy lady I used to be, I don't know!

But it has all made me think about some things. I am a pack rat. I'll swear I'll need to keep something, coz as soon as I get rid of it, I know I'll need it. Happens every time. Since Tuesday was such an awful day and I've been praying so much, God has really been touching my heart on some things that I've been keeping inside! Things that I don't really need to talk about here, but things that I definitely need to be talking to Him about. Things that I just 'let go', coz maybe I won't like the reason or the answer behind it. Or sometimes I think I'll get mad at God, and I sure don't want to do that. And worse, I think I've been afraid that He'll get mad at me if I share certain things. And becoz, it is just too painful! So I keep it all bottled up coz I don't know really what to do with it and then one day, like on Tuesday, something happens and it seems to all explode!

So I've pack ratted these thoughts and feelings (and even facts) around for many years, thinking and believing really that that's what I was supposed to do. But in reality, He so wants me to share with Him. He so wants me to give Him my burdens. These are not things that I need or will ever need, nor do I or will I ever desire to have them. There are things planted in the corners of my mind that will show themselves in the most dangerous times. Things that I may have even forgotten. And then they'll come up and I'll get to thinking about them intensely and lose all focus of what my true purpose is here.

But the whole time that I've been going around clearing out the clutter in the house, I felt God telling me to clear out the clutter in my heart. And as I said, it's just too painful to think about that stuff, so I ignored Him once again. But I have to say, He got my attention on Tuesday. So yesterday, (Wednesday), I prayed all day as I was working and I just sure felt His presence. Scripture would come to me and it would be one that would answer one of the questions or thoughts or feelings that I had hidden in my heart. I didn't need to say to myself, 'now, how does God know that I was thinking that'. It's a special feeling having God so close to your heart like that.

Jimmy and I got up and had coffee yesterday morning too, a rare thing for during the week, but becoz of the weather, he didn't go in until late! I shared with him some of my feelings and he really helped me. And then at Church, Brother Wiggins preached on exactly, and I mean exactly what we were talking about. God gave me assurance of the questions I have through his preaching. Jimmy and I just looked at each other and felt really special.

We've started a prayer and devotional time every night. I know we should have already been doing it. We would for a day or two and then something would come up and then we'd forget. But we're committing ourselves to several things in our spiritual lives now and we're going to see them through. We've only just started and already, we are even closer, not just to one another but also God...together and individually!

I want to start going on Thursday visitations but I just have not felt up to it. I know I'm working here, but I sit down a lot too coz of the nausea and shakiness! I know God understands, I hope other people do. I do so want to be a servant!

I have to say before I close that what I wrote Tuesday is exactly what I felt at the time. It wasn't exaggerated at all. But looking back on it, I do wish I would have handled it better. But I know God is going to strengthen me for the next go round. And as long as I keep asking and allowing Him pick me up, I won't have failed! It really hurts my heart to feel as though I have failed God. But failure would be to hang on to that thought too. So I won't. I'll go with confidence that I have already won the victory, through Christ Jesus, over these battles I'm facing! I'm not facing them alone! I have the greatest Power in the universe!

Philippians 4:13; 'I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me'.

Please pray for Joshua. I'm afraid for him, but I sincerely believe that God is working on him!

It's been a few days since I've written. I really haven't felt well. Sunday, I did pretty good. I really pushed myself to have a good day. I can't seem to rest and so I piddle with different projects all day long, (all day long and into the night). I have to sit down about every hour because of the nausea I feel. The shakiness and not resting isn't helping me either. I think most of all of my problems at the moment have to do with this medication. What will happen if I can't take it? I hate to complain. I see people like Ms. Jennings, in her quiet strength or the way Brother Kropp was, and I have nothing compared to their illnesses, so I feel bad for even talking about it. They inspire me to try to be as humble, and yet I fail.

I don't sleep well at night, even with the sleeping pill and I can't rest during the day. I'm averaging maybe 2 to 3 hours a night. And I think I might be scared to go to sleep.

I'm going to share something now that happened today. It's so unlike me to share these things, but maybe it will make me feel better, I don't know. I really don't like for people to know these things about me, but here I go again.

I've been waking up gasping again for breath and it totally frightens me. I did that today. I had an appointment to have the tests run to see if I have a blood clot and it went well and they said it looked really good, so when I got home I was tired so I just sat down and tried to rest.

I ended up dozing off in my chair and I awoke and could not get my breath for the longest. I'm sure it was mere seconds but it sure felt longer. I called Jimmy immediately coz he always makes me feel better. I couldn't hardly even find my voice I was so shaken and I was crying. He said he would come home. I was so happy to hear that. I was so nervous and shaky and weak feeling all afternoon. I felt so awful alone and scared.

Have you ever gotten the feeling, even when your so afraid, that you're just supposed to wait on God? That's the way I felt. Knowing Jimmy was on his way was definitely helping but I had already thought to call Ms. Donya and ask her to pray with me, but when she didn't answer, I knew that God was telling me something. I was literally shaking and truthfully, I didn't pay attention to that still small voice and all I could think of was to get up and do something and get my mind off of it. So I started sweeping the bathroom, and all at once God just spoke to my heart to get on my knees. I just sat right down and started crying and praying like a little girl. I felt His presence and His comfort.

When Meggie got off work she called, and I guess she knew something was wrong with me and when she asked, I couldn't find words again, but she said she would be right home. But she had planned to go to the Case's and I didn't want to spoil her fun. Even though I know she would have. But I asked her not to come home coz I'd be okay. She always takes care of me, and sometimes I feel bad for that. But it feels good too. And after that talk with God, I was trying to pay attention to that still small voice telling me to sit and talk with Him.

Ms. Donya did call me and she did pray for me and it made me feel a lot better.

When Jimmy got home, later than he was supposed to, which is not like him at all, I knew that God wanted that time with me. I got a little better, and had some good moments, but it's now bedtime and I feel just so nervous and I'm still scared for some reason. I've cried off and on all afternoon and evening. I don't know why, which bothers the heck out of me.

Brother Wiggins sermons lately have been going through my mind and heart though, which is good coz I'm remembering that 'God does see me'. And 'in my weakness, He is strong'. I'm trying to let Him take this load off my heart and mind too. Scripture from Ms. Donya, Psalm 56:8; 'Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle', has helped me with my tears a little this evening.

My source of grace is Jesus, my strength of grace is weakness, and my supply of grace is ENDLESS! I must see His worth to see my own. Just this past Sunday School alone...'listen to God-He is speaking to your heart'! And He definitely did speak to my heart today. And I always say aloud, 'Lord, help thou my unbelief'! I thank you God for speaking through our Pastor, and I give You all the praise, honor, and glory for it! Even and especially in this weakness of mine.

I must remember HOPE. To be quiet truthful, I hate admitting this weakness of mine to nervousness. I can't begin to explain the failure as a Christian it makes me feel. I've been 'nervous' before, believe me. When I was younger, I battled with things that made my heart just sick and I became incapable of functioning a so called 'normal' life. I've lost days, months even with my children and husband becoz of it. I've felt so hopeless that I didn't want to go on if I had to feel that darkness in my heart another second.

Today, I felt that darkness and it has literally terrified me. But there is a difference in the me now, and the me then. I was hopeless then. But I am filled with HOPE now! I am saved by the powerful blood of Jesus. Psalm 91:1,1; 'He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress, my God; in Him will I trust'.

I think I've written this for myself. To have confidence that I know I'm all right. To have confidence not in myself but in the One who created me, the One who loves me! This is just a trial I must go through. Maybe becoz it is my biggest weakness, nervousness, that 'ole devil is trying to prove God wrong to me, like he tried to do with Job. Well, I won't listen to it! For I believe God is saying, 'do what you want, she is mine, I will take care of her and she will see Me'. Oh, that made me feel good to understand that!

Would you pray for me if you read this. I'm embarrassed by it, so don't mention it please. I'm gonna be okay, I just needed to share this with my sweet Sisters in Christ and ask you to pray for me. I know others have bigger problems and trials, but for me, at this moment, this seems to be mine. I pray I'll remember all night long...2 Timothy 1:7; 'For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind'. Thank you Jesus!