Jimmy & Rach ~ Valentine's Day 2007

Jimmy & Rach ~ Valentine's Day 2007

Were we young, or what?

Were we young, or what?

Joshua & Meghann

Joshua & Meghann
I've got some good looking kids!

18 December, 2010

Already I have dropped the ball on my plans for this blog. But all I can do is start over, so that's what I'm doing!

I awoke yesterday feeling pretty good, so what do I do? I decide to go do some Christmas shopping and grocery shopping! Let me just say...bad, bad idea! When I finally got out of the store, without some of the main things I went for, and the temperature had dropped considerably, I knew I was in trouble. By the time I got home, I was sick, but I knew I still needed to feed all my outside animals, coz I can't make them wait till tomorrow and Jimmy has been getting home so late since working in South Austin, around 7:30! By that time it's dark and I can't let him go down there and feed them in the dark, so I've really been trying to feed them every day. The one big thing I do each day, but it gets me up and I'm helping Jimmy, bless his heart!

So I go get in the bed and turn my blanket on so I can try and thaw out! My feet are stinging and hurting and I cannot get them warm enough. I actually fell asleep a bit, and when I get up I feel worse and my feet hurt from the cold. But I have to go and feed the animals, so I put on layers of clothes and my old red coat and head out! By the time I get through I am frozen, now my fingers are so cold. I hold them under the faucet of warm water for so long. I hold them by the electric heater, but I can't get warm enough. So I take my babies, and we all go pile up in the bed, but I can't sleep I feel so bad. Then I get nervous.

I cry. Just cry. Cry for everything. I seem so selfish in crying and I cry out to my Lord to hold me close, coz I feel so lost! I fall asleep for about 15 minutes but when I awake, the feet are back hurting. Not like the neuropathy, like I cannot get them warm enough. I get up, but the babies don't, they are still sleeping! At least somebody can. I go to the bathroom and then I hear Jimmy and I start to cry all over again. He's so sweet. I thank the Lord for giving him to me! He doesn't make me feel bad coz I'm crying and nervous. He just seems to make me feel better all in a minute!

But here it is Saturday and I still feel bad, but better! but I feel so insignificant! I seem to be of no use to anyone, even to myself! I know deep down that this is satan's lies, but I gotta tell you, when you are in the midst of it, you can't remember all of that! Or I can't anyway! I've been leaving my tv on at night on the Inspiration channel. I awoke when one of the preachers were preaching and he said, don't expect something from God, if you don't ask it with the belief that He is going to do it for you! I knew that, but I needed to hear it, ya know? So, today, even tho I still feel a little nervous, when I pray for help, I will also add, help thou my unbelief, as I used to do in the beginning! So this is going to be my goal. I told Jimmy last night, that I feel so lost. And I do, but I realize this morning that I must continiously think on...

Believe, and pray...help thou my unbelief and also pray continously! All day long I will be doing this...every day, just as I used to. If I feel so lost, it's only coz I'm allowing satan to rule my life. Oh sweet Jesus, help me, may I abide in you so that you may abide in me!

15 December, 2010

Finding my way back!

Today I hope to write my true and honest feelings, no matter what anyone else thinks! I pray I'll try to write at least jut a little every day! When I first started these blogs I was on a lot of prednisone and I had first found out my diagnosis...dermatomyositis, anyway, it gave me a lot of peace! Hoping to find that peace again!

I miss so many things about myself that seem lost in this abyss of sickness and pain. And if I'm really honest, fear!!! I don't pray like I used to! I used to couldn't wait to get to write in my prayer journal. Now, it's too cold, or I'm hurting too much and the list could go on and on. I can't seem to keep my mind on what I'd like to write! I can't sit down and read anymore coz of the same reasons! I look in the mirror and I'm shocked, who is this person that seems to have aged so much and is so fat and ugly! Whose body is this, that seems so broken and used and damaged? My mind is beginning to feel as old, I'm afraid! And speaking of afraid ~ fear is constantly near me! I don't know why or how, but I don't like it! What has happened to my faith? I feel as though God is punishing me in some way! I hate that fear more than anything. I have dealt with it for many years but I thought it was all gone since I became a Christian in 2003, but since I've gotten sick, I don't feel strong enough to fight it anymore! I don't know how to fight it!

For more than 2 years I have been facing that fear every waking moment! I must get back to God! I must turn to Him, as I know He has kept me close during those times, even if all I say is, 'please Lord'. but I need the closeness back. How am I going to know Him if I don't try to know Him now! I long to know Him again! I pray that I can possibly get off these pain meds, for I know in some ways, they are hurting me too!

I pray that through this journey of writing that I will be able to find me again! The strong, faithful woman I used to be! I miss her! And I know the Lord misses her too...her/me...it's all the same! Lord, my God, please keep me in the safety of your sheltering wings! I love you. Help me please!

18 June, 2010

HE came for the little lost lamb

As I tried to fall asleep at after 2am, I just staryed crying, almost uncontrollably. I found myself missing Moma. Seems to be the only way I can let all my tears out! It seems like so many things have hppened ao fast yet so slowly. I just always figured she would be here when Meggie and Joshua left home. But she's gone, Meggie is married and in Missouri and Joshua has a lovely little family in Sequin. For them I am happy, but I miss them so much.

As i said, so many things have happened so fast and a lot of them negative and hurtful. Moma passing away; the grief from that, but not being able to grieve for other negative things going on; and a dark fear that set in upon my heart, a brokenness that was so heavy.

My older brothers and sisters taking the younger ones, (which I was one) to court over Moma's estate, and the stress from that; and the fear and brokenness continued. Joshua leaving to go to Roloff, the heartache from that; and the fear continued. And then getting sick with the super bug infection and the allergic reaction the long stay in the hospital and the sickness from all of that; and the fear intensified, and the heartache too.

Coming home and being hurt by loved ones for almost or more than a year by not coming to see me or call; and the fear and heartache intensified even more. The sickness and frustration from being sick and all the doctor visits but none of them could find out what was wrong with me; and the fear and heartache grew even more.

But then a relationship between me and one sister grew more loving and secure than ever before and later anothwr sister and a brother; but still the fear and heartache continued. And finally I found a loving doctor and diagnosis; but the fear and heartache continued. The treatments and medication and the sickness and the physical pain; again the fear and heartache continued to grow. And even though I had a kind and loving husband in Jimmy, I felt like such a burden; and the fear and broken heart continued.

During all these times instead of drawing closer to God, I separated myself from Him which is why the fear and broken heart continued. I just had a long talk with my Heavenly and Lovely Father and told him of all these things. I told Him of my sorrow for not abiding in Him and of my great need for Him. I asked Him to take the pain and sorrow and the great fear from me. I have already been feeling His comfort in talking with Him.

Thank You my Heavenly Father! Thank you my sweet Jesus. I thank you so much dear Lord for the gift of the Holy Spirit livng inside of me. I pray my Father for strength in giving You my trust. Please help me Lord to give everything to You. I pray that You will take the feeling of being a burden from me. I pray oh Lord that the fear will leave me and that my brokenness will be healed. I pray Father God that I will continue to abide in You Lord. Thank You Lord for never leaving me!

25th Wedding Anniversary!

25th Wedding Anniversary!