Sometimes it seems like all I do is complain. I don't mean to really, it's just that I have been feeling so bad. I went Thursday to the Cancer/Hematologist doctor, (Dr. Chadha, the Rheumatologist's husband), and the tests he ran all came back negative, so I was very relieved.
As I sat there waiting my turn to see the doc, I saw so many really sick people and I thought to myself, 'I am so blessed! Most them were carrying on conversations with others, and laughing or putting a puzzle together; as though they weren't sick at all, but just to see them, you could tell they were. God is so good. I was scared last week, coz they had mentioned cancer, and a lot of other things, so I was truly relieved when everything came back negative. I had gotten that 'ole hopeless feeling ever since the past Friday when the blood clot came up. Thinking to myself, 'what's next'? Most people don't know what I'm going through, I try not to talk about it! Oh, I know I have friends that would listen, but I really don't like talking about it, it makes it all more real.
So Wednesday as I left Texas Oncology I was relieved, but didn't feel well physically, but God spoke to my heart on the way home. I have been blessed by finding Dr. Chadha, and even that I got a diagnosis. Those people in the cancer center were battling some mean diseases, and though I won't say that mine's not, it's just not like theirs at all.
Then I saw Dr. Chadha, the Rheumatologist on Friday. She is so encouraging! They need to put a port or a pick in me coz my veins are shot. Too, I need to have an MRI on my thighs and a scope down my throat because I have been getting choked so much. Talk about scary, that's scary. Sometime I can't even swallow my on spit! I have muscle spasms in my back and calves and oh my feet! And if I move the wrong way if feels like my stomach comes up under my ribs and then more spasms and they hurt. I just hope I don't do it at Church around people. About the only place I allow myself to go now besides the doctor, coz I look awful. She did lower the steroids again, so hopefully some of this weight will be coming off soon.
I've isolated myself too long and I must get back up and find my joy again instead of the 'ole hopelessness feeling. My quality of life hasn't been that great ever since I got sick back in 2006 and sometimes I make it worse by allowing satan to steal my joy. I don't know if he steals it or I just give it to him. So, even though the doc scheduled me for more tests, I am going to get my joy back!!!
I've been thinking alot about Moma lately too. I'll dose off in my chair and dream of her and I'll awake startled and I'd swear for a split second she was standing there. I just lean my neck over and start to cry. I miss her so much, especially during this time. Moma's are so comforting. And even though I cry for her in those moments, I feel happy that I 'saw' her. As though she knows what I'm going through and she's come to help me. Silly? Maybe, but I find it comforting! I think about how God blessed her even with all the tragedies and the hard life she lived. And she knew Him and knew of His blessings, all the way up till her last breath. She had great faith and I learned from her.
But faith should be a verb, maybe it is, coz you must take action in order to have it. I've been holding mine and feeling sorry for myself and I allowed fear to get it's grip on me. 1 Timothy 1:7; 'For God hath not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind'. But I must remember that I have power, love and a sound mind, all in the name of Jesus! I must call upon it though and claim it. Pray that I will please!