I've had a pretty good day today. I've only felt bad this evening, but that's becoz I've gone all day without sitting down and resting. Reba called and asked me if I'd like to have the kids tonight. Did she really need to ask? I don't get to see them enough since they've started school. We had fun feeding the animals. They fed Hank (donkey) & Molly~Girl (Shelton pony), water-melon and the kids and the animals all loved that! Caden has a basketball game tomorrow, and he asked me to go, but I'm not much for crowds but I sure wish him luck. He has grown so much. First thing Krista noticed when she got here was that my house was different. They both fell asleep before 10PM. They are just so special to us!

Meg went to Miss Beckey's and they sounded like they all had fun. She seems happier lately and I know it's partly coz of a good friend in Miss Beckey and Pops and Lola adopting her! I'm glad she has some special people in her life. People who love God first and set the example. Thanks you guys. Ya'll are special to us too!

I haven't heard from Joshua. I remember when I'd get up in the middle of the night and go look for him before, when I had not a clue as to where he lived and where he was. It never did me any good. I'd make myself physically sick. But now, I'm just putting all my worry into trusting the Lord. I know God's working on him and wants what's best for him! It may sound crazy but I believe he's saved. Back when I didn't think he was, I was so sorrowful and sick about his well being. Knowing he's saved comforts me now! I pray with all my heart that he will really look at his life and what it has been with God, and what it could be again and that he will make the right decision and please go get help. I sure do miss him, but I cannot condone what he does or pretend that he doesn't do it. I can never do that again! He gets mad at me coz I won't let up on it, but I can't help it. I promised myself a long time ago to never ignore something like that again, and I won't. I sure pray for his safety though. Every single time he comes to mind, (24/7), I just lift him up, coz I really can't stand to think about it.

Tomorrow is the Victory Outreach Day! I'm hoping I'll feel like going! I kind of miss being around people and visiting. But sometimes I feel so nauseated that it just wouldn't do to be around people. I'm that way at Church too, so if you see me looking sick, I probably am.

Well, guess that's all. It's 11:30PM and I'm actually sleepy, so I think I'll try to get some much needed rest! Please continue to pray for us.

Thank you Jesus for a good day!

Compared to Tuesday, I am so much better. I still feel 'sickly' most of the day (and night), but I do seem to be getting at least a little more tolerable of it. I still don't sleep good though. Last night I did sleep a little better, but tonight, here it is at 1:30am and I am finally going to retire to bed. I've been sewing, so at least I had something to do.

I've been bathing myself in prayer, even more so since Tuesday's events and I have to say that I feel so close to my Lord. I may have overreacted just a little bit, but on that day, it was very real. Sleep deprivation is bad on my emotional state and always has been. I guess it would be for anybody. Thankfully, I did get a cat nap today for a bit, with no incidences.

I've been going around cleaning up and organizing the house. It's amazing to me how bad I seem to have let it get! I have felt bad physically for so long that I just did the basics. And not only that, now most days I'm very creative and artsy! I haven't done any creative things in such a long time. It feels good again! As far as the house, I'm not through yet, but I'm actually enjoying it! I've redone our bedroom, and made by myself an organized closet. Cut the wood and everything and made shelves. I've rearranged furniture, and brought in different things from storage. I've gone through closets, and boxes, and you name it. I'm clearing out the clutter. The only good thing about this medication...energy!!! It won't let me slow down it seems. I'm constantly finding something to do. Compared to the lazy lady I used to be, I don't know!

But it has all made me think about some things. I am a pack rat. I'll swear I'll need to keep something, coz as soon as I get rid of it, I know I'll need it. Happens every time. Since Tuesday was such an awful day and I've been praying so much, God has really been touching my heart on some things that I've been keeping inside! Things that I don't really need to talk about here, but things that I definitely need to be talking to Him about. Things that I just 'let go', coz maybe I won't like the reason or the answer behind it. Or sometimes I think I'll get mad at God, and I sure don't want to do that. And worse, I think I've been afraid that He'll get mad at me if I share certain things. And becoz, it is just too painful! So I keep it all bottled up coz I don't know really what to do with it and then one day, like on Tuesday, something happens and it seems to all explode!

So I've pack ratted these thoughts and feelings (and even facts) around for many years, thinking and believing really that that's what I was supposed to do. But in reality, He so wants me to share with Him. He so wants me to give Him my burdens. These are not things that I need or will ever need, nor do I or will I ever desire to have them. There are things planted in the corners of my mind that will show themselves in the most dangerous times. Things that I may have even forgotten. And then they'll come up and I'll get to thinking about them intensely and lose all focus of what my true purpose is here.

But the whole time that I've been going around clearing out the clutter in the house, I felt God telling me to clear out the clutter in my heart. And as I said, it's just too painful to think about that stuff, so I ignored Him once again. But I have to say, He got my attention on Tuesday. So yesterday, (Wednesday), I prayed all day as I was working and I just sure felt His presence. Scripture would come to me and it would be one that would answer one of the questions or thoughts or feelings that I had hidden in my heart. I didn't need to say to myself, 'now, how does God know that I was thinking that'. It's a special feeling having God so close to your heart like that.

Jimmy and I got up and had coffee yesterday morning too, a rare thing for during the week, but becoz of the weather, he didn't go in until late! I shared with him some of my feelings and he really helped me. And then at Church, Brother Wiggins preached on exactly, and I mean exactly what we were talking about. God gave me assurance of the questions I have through his preaching. Jimmy and I just looked at each other and felt really special.

We've started a prayer and devotional time every night. I know we should have already been doing it. We would for a day or two and then something would come up and then we'd forget. But we're committing ourselves to several things in our spiritual lives now and we're going to see them through. We've only just started and already, we are even closer, not just to one another but also God...together and individually!

I want to start going on Thursday visitations but I just have not felt up to it. I know I'm working here, but I sit down a lot too coz of the nausea and shakiness! I know God understands, I hope other people do. I do so want to be a servant!

I have to say before I close that what I wrote Tuesday is exactly what I felt at the time. It wasn't exaggerated at all. But looking back on it, I do wish I would have handled it better. But I know God is going to strengthen me for the next go round. And as long as I keep asking and allowing Him pick me up, I won't have failed! It really hurts my heart to feel as though I have failed God. But failure would be to hang on to that thought too. So I won't. I'll go with confidence that I have already won the victory, through Christ Jesus, over these battles I'm facing! I'm not facing them alone! I have the greatest Power in the universe!

Philippians 4:13; 'I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me'.

Please pray for Joshua. I'm afraid for him, but I sincerely believe that God is working on him!

It's been a few days since I've written. I really haven't felt well. Sunday, I did pretty good. I really pushed myself to have a good day. I can't seem to rest and so I piddle with different projects all day long, (all day long and into the night). I have to sit down about every hour because of the nausea I feel. The shakiness and not resting isn't helping me either. I think most of all of my problems at the moment have to do with this medication. What will happen if I can't take it? I hate to complain. I see people like Ms. Jennings, in her quiet strength or the way Brother Kropp was, and I have nothing compared to their illnesses, so I feel bad for even talking about it. They inspire me to try to be as humble, and yet I fail.

I don't sleep well at night, even with the sleeping pill and I can't rest during the day. I'm averaging maybe 2 to 3 hours a night. And I think I might be scared to go to sleep.

I'm going to share something now that happened today. It's so unlike me to share these things, but maybe it will make me feel better, I don't know. I really don't like for people to know these things about me, but here I go again.

I've been waking up gasping again for breath and it totally frightens me. I did that today. I had an appointment to have the tests run to see if I have a blood clot and it went well and they said it looked really good, so when I got home I was tired so I just sat down and tried to rest.

I ended up dozing off in my chair and I awoke and could not get my breath for the longest. I'm sure it was mere seconds but it sure felt longer. I called Jimmy immediately coz he always makes me feel better. I couldn't hardly even find my voice I was so shaken and I was crying. He said he would come home. I was so happy to hear that. I was so nervous and shaky and weak feeling all afternoon. I felt so awful alone and scared.

Have you ever gotten the feeling, even when your so afraid, that you're just supposed to wait on God? That's the way I felt. Knowing Jimmy was on his way was definitely helping but I had already thought to call Ms. Donya and ask her to pray with me, but when she didn't answer, I knew that God was telling me something. I was literally shaking and truthfully, I didn't pay attention to that still small voice and all I could think of was to get up and do something and get my mind off of it. So I started sweeping the bathroom, and all at once God just spoke to my heart to get on my knees. I just sat right down and started crying and praying like a little girl. I felt His presence and His comfort.

When Meggie got off work she called, and I guess she knew something was wrong with me and when she asked, I couldn't find words again, but she said she would be right home. But she had planned to go to the Case's and I didn't want to spoil her fun. Even though I know she would have. But I asked her not to come home coz I'd be okay. She always takes care of me, and sometimes I feel bad for that. But it feels good too. And after that talk with God, I was trying to pay attention to that still small voice telling me to sit and talk with Him.

Ms. Donya did call me and she did pray for me and it made me feel a lot better.

When Jimmy got home, later than he was supposed to, which is not like him at all, I knew that God wanted that time with me. I got a little better, and had some good moments, but it's now bedtime and I feel just so nervous and I'm still scared for some reason. I've cried off and on all afternoon and evening. I don't know why, which bothers the heck out of me.

Brother Wiggins sermons lately have been going through my mind and heart though, which is good coz I'm remembering that 'God does see me'. And 'in my weakness, He is strong'. I'm trying to let Him take this load off my heart and mind too. Scripture from Ms. Donya, Psalm 56:8; 'Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle', has helped me with my tears a little this evening.

My source of grace is Jesus, my strength of grace is weakness, and my supply of grace is ENDLESS! I must see His worth to see my own. Just this past Sunday School alone...'listen to God-He is speaking to your heart'! And He definitely did speak to my heart today. And I always say aloud, 'Lord, help thou my unbelief'! I thank you God for speaking through our Pastor, and I give You all the praise, honor, and glory for it! Even and especially in this weakness of mine.

I must remember HOPE. To be quiet truthful, I hate admitting this weakness of mine to nervousness. I can't begin to explain the failure as a Christian it makes me feel. I've been 'nervous' before, believe me. When I was younger, I battled with things that made my heart just sick and I became incapable of functioning a so called 'normal' life. I've lost days, months even with my children and husband becoz of it. I've felt so hopeless that I didn't want to go on if I had to feel that darkness in my heart another second.

Today, I felt that darkness and it has literally terrified me. But there is a difference in the me now, and the me then. I was hopeless then. But I am filled with HOPE now! I am saved by the powerful blood of Jesus. Psalm 91:1,1; 'He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress, my God; in Him will I trust'.

I think I've written this for myself. To have confidence that I know I'm all right. To have confidence not in myself but in the One who created me, the One who loves me! This is just a trial I must go through. Maybe becoz it is my biggest weakness, nervousness, that 'ole devil is trying to prove God wrong to me, like he tried to do with Job. Well, I won't listen to it! For I believe God is saying, 'do what you want, she is mine, I will take care of her and she will see Me'. Oh, that made me feel good to understand that!

Would you pray for me if you read this. I'm embarrassed by it, so don't mention it please. I'm gonna be okay, I just needed to share this with my sweet Sisters in Christ and ask you to pray for me. I know others have bigger problems and trials, but for me, at this moment, this seems to be mine. I pray I'll remember all night long...2 Timothy 1:7; 'For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind'. Thank you Jesus!