As I tried to fall asleep at after 2am, I just staryed crying, almost uncontrollably. I found myself missing Moma. Seems to be the only way I can let all my tears out! It seems like so many things have happened so fast yet so slowly. I just always figured she would be here when Meggie and Joshua left home. But she's gone, Meggie is married and in Missouri and Joshua has a lovely little family in Sequin. For them I am happy, but I miss them so much.
As I said, so many things have happened so fast and a lot of them negative and hurtful. Moma passing away; the grief from that, but not being able to grieve for other negative things going on; and a dark fear that set in upon my heart, a brokenness that was so heavy.
My older brothers and sisters taking the younger ones, (which I was one) to court over Moma's estate, and the stress from that; and the fear and brokenness continued. Joshua leaving to go to Roloff, the heartache from that; and the fear continued. And then getting sick with the super bug infection and the allergic reaction the long stay in the hospital and the sickness from all of that; and the fear intensified, and the heartache too.
Coming home and being hurt by loved ones for almost or more than a year by not coming to see me or call; and the fear and heartache intensified even more. The sickness and frustration from being sick and all the doctor visits but none of them could find out what was wrong with me; and the fear and heartache grew even more.
But then a relationship between me and one sister grew more loving and secure than ever before and later another sister and a brother; but still the fear and heartache continued. And finally I found a loving doctor and diagnosis; but the fear and heartache continued. The treatments and medication and the sickness and the physical pain; again the fear and heartache continued to grow. And even though I had a kind and loving husband in Jimmy, I felt like such a burden; and the fear and broken heart continued.
During all these times instead of drawing closer to God, I separated myself from Him which is why the fear and broken heart continued. I just had a long talk with my Heavenly and Lovely Father and told him of all these things. I told Him of my sorrow for not abiding in Him and of my great need for Him. I asked Him to take the pain and sorrow and the great fear from me. I have already been feeling His comfort in talking with Him.
Thank You my Heavenly Father! Thank you my sweet Jesus. I thank you so much dear Lord for the gift of the Holy Spirit livng inside of me. I pray my Father for strength in giving You my trust. Please help me Lord to give everything to You. I pray that You will take the feeling of being a burden from me. I pray oh Lord that the fear will leave me and that my brokenness will be healed. I pray Father God that I will continue to abide in You Lord. Thank You Lord for never leaving me!